I wonder how far you can fall before you hit the bottom. I think there are ledges that you land on and hang onto, then something happens that pushes you off, you fall deeper. I think I’ve already fallen off of, about two ledges. I didn’t want to, I clung onto and clawed at those ledges trying to stay on. I continue to berate myself, among my insults, the favorite “stupid girl”. But I wonder, how responsible I am when I was pushed?
Anyone still following me? Probably not. When I first realized I loved him I told myself, that’s okay, but just leave it at that. Then, well my last trip he pushed my off a ledge. How full of love he gets when he talks about his kids. Nothing but smiles and amazement. How much fun we had just sitting and talking. Be treated so well. The way he looked at me when we were intimate. The combination of everything…push.
In the two weeks since my last trip, so many more little things. The conversations are fun and happy and sexy. Our personalities are so similar. He makes me smile, laugh and giggle every time we talk. He backs me 100% in the drama with the ex. So much so that he’s offered help with a small claims case if I choose to go that route. He’s said that if he gives the ex a project, he will give half of the ex’s fee to me help pay off what the ex owes me. He has also said many times that the ex made the biggest mistake of his life, and really fucked up his life by ending things with me. He makes me feel like I am worth something. There is so much more I cannot put into the right words. We talked half the day today. I really think that sometime today I was pushed again.
I’m not happy about it, yet I feel so giddy and happy. My brain is quite confused. So I wonder, how far will he push me, how far can I fall, and will I land on a ledge and sit comfortably? Love grows. If you are with someone, the love, it just keeps expanding in your chest. My fear? I will find that bottom, and when I do, there will be no one there to catch me.
I know I can fix all of this by ending it. Such a simple solution. Unfortunately, I really don’t see myself doing that anytime soon. Plus, he’s not as happy as I thought he was. I saw between his words today, I also saw that, I make him happy too.
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