February 24, 2011

  • Yes, my fears were warranted. Spending time with him brought everything back, and then some. Every time I go down there there is something different about the way he treats me that suggests he has or is developing feelings. With the way he kissed me on tuesday, there has to be something there. Even if it is small. On monday he told me “you know…I don’t know what will happen with her long term”. This coming from someone who said he’d never leave her. Things change I know. I just never expected they would change on his side also. Whenever he talks about her he doesn’t seem happy. You can see something in his eyes. 

    He kissed me more than he ever has, he stayed with me later into the night than he ever did, and he hugged me goodbye which he has never done. My brain is confused.

February 21, 2011

  • I had a decently good weekend. Had a blast friday night, and I looked pretty ok! Took new profile pic fri night, one of only a small handfull of pics I like of myself. Plus, after friday’s events I realized some things that helped me out and I have distanced myself from him a bit. This hasn’t gone over terribly well with him. I am still leaving to see him in the morning, I will stay til tue night. I am hoping that I have regained control over my emotions and can turn this back into “just about the sex”. Maybe that is why I am not as excited about going as I have been in the past, I might be a little scared that spending time with him will make me loose control again. We will see.

    I have also realized that I have been making some stupid decisions lately that are just not my normal self. While I am having fun, if I am not careful, I could end up in trouble. Plus I have been drinking a bit too much. Again, fun, but I make even stupider decisions while intoxicated. Must be careful, do not need to hit the edge of alcoholism again.

    So, how was your weekend xanga?

February 17, 2011

  • Pick Me

    Watching Grey’s Anatomy this morning I hit this episode where Meredith gives Derek this speech. If you dont know who I am talking about, sorry. I am assuming people know the show by now. =) This speech hurt my heart because I saw something that one day I could be saying. I say ‘could be’ because well, who knows how far this will go but here is what she says, I find it to be quite ballsy and heart breaking.

    “OK, Here it is. Your choice, it’s simple. Her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But Derek…I love you. In a really, really big…pretend to like your taste in music. Let you eat the last piece of cheesecake. Hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window. Unfortunate way that also makes me hate you…love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”

    My heart wants to yell, Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me. My brain, it’s yelling you have a family, fix things with your fiance and live happily ever after please. I don’t think they will ever get along.

    I need to stop watching Grey’s, it makes me depressed.

  • Unrelated Family

    Who is the person who reminds you most of your family but is not related to you?

    I am taking this topic from Featured_Grownups and tweaking it a bit. I can’t take one person and say they remind me the most of my family. We are all such extended personalities. I am my family too, so my interpretation is someone who reminds me of myself.

    I have only been at my current job for almost 3 months. In that short amount of time I have made a connection with many of my associates. One woman, Reese, she reminds me of myself. Fully and completely me. She reminds me not just of my past and current self, but of my future. I am astounded everyday when I learn something else about her that is a fact in my life also. I see my own outgoing personality, love for life, pain, experiences and promiscuity. I see a woman 8 years older then me who has experienced the same things as me and more, with the same personality. We are essentially like the same person and we both have noticed. From the instant we met we connected. I see the path I am on and she was on the same one years ago. I look to her for advice, we have these conversations that make life better afterwards and well, she helps to bring out the confidence in myself that is lacking. I look at her and know I see my future. It gives me hope to know that someone who is so similar to me, who has traveled the roads I am on got a “happy ever after”. I feel this love for her, she is me, and I am my family, by default that makes her the most like my family, even though we are not related. 

February 16, 2011

  • We talk everyday now, not just every few days, not on weekdays only like before, but everyday. I haven’t been down there in three weeks and I wont be able to go back until last week. I was supposed leave to visit him after work today, I was going to spend two days and two nights. He told me monday evening he was counting the minutes until I got there. Now, I can’t not until next week, and it will be just a day trip. My only day off will be spent driving and driving just to visit for 12 hours…I miss him. I miss our talks and laughter, I miss our intimate moments. I miss spending time with him.

    There I admitted it. I’m so stupid.

    I had a long talk with a co-worker today about all of this. She’s been in this very same situation. After giving her my views on some things, including us, myself and my conduct in relationships she said well no wonder he is falling in love with you. I think she is exaggerating. I still gotta love all the compliments she gave me. She thinks I am pretty, have a nice body and wonderful personality, among others. He thinks the same, plus sexy and some other things I wont specify. It is nice to hear such great things. I am trying to just accept the compliments with a thank you even though Ive never believed these things about myself. I am not quite sure what to do. I think I need to back away a little for preservation sake. Oh I know I wont. I will continue to let him set the pace for the relationship and the amount of time we spend together.

February 13, 2011

  • Yesterday, I got in a fight with my dad because he punched me the other day, my Aunt died, and after a new budget I realized I only have 150 a month to live on after bills. I confessed to my mom about the affair and well, I was slightly depressed about the looming valentines day. I am trying to have a better day today, but it’s looking like another one of those just want to sit down and cry days.

    :sigh:

February 10, 2011

  • Another Ledge

    I wonder how far you can fall before you hit the bottom. I think there are ledges that you land on and hang onto, then something happens that pushes you off, you fall deeper. I think I’ve already fallen off of, about two ledges. I didn’t want to, I clung onto and clawed at those ledges trying to stay on. I continue to berate myself, among my insults, the favorite “stupid girl”. But I wonder, how responsible I am when I was pushed?

    Anyone still following me? Probably not. When I first realized I loved him I told myself, that’s okay, but just leave it at that. Then, well my last trip he pushed my off a ledge. How full of love he gets when he talks about his kids. Nothing but smiles and amazement. How much fun we had just sitting and talking. Be treated so well. The way he looked at me when we were intimate. The combination of everything…push.

    In the two weeks since my last trip, so many more little things. The conversations are fun and happy and sexy. Our personalities are so similar. He makes me smile, laugh and giggle every time we talk. He backs me 100% in the drama with the ex. So much so that he’s offered help with a small claims case if I choose to go that route. He’s said that if he gives the ex a project, he will give half of the ex’s fee to me help pay off what the ex owes me. He has also said many times that the ex made the biggest mistake of his life, and really fucked up his life by ending things with me. He makes me feel like I am worth something. There is so much more I cannot put into the right words. We talked half the day today. I really think that sometime today I was pushed again.

    I’m not happy about it, yet I feel so giddy and happy. My brain is quite confused. So I wonder, how far will he push me, how far can I fall, and will I land on a ledge and sit comfortably? Love grows. If you are with someone, the love, it just keeps expanding in your chest. My fear? I will find that bottom, and when I do, there will be no one there to catch me.

    I know I can fix all of this by ending it. Such a simple solution. Unfortunately, I really don’t see myself doing that anytime soon. Plus, he’s not as happy as I thought he was. I saw between his words today, I also saw that, I make him happy too.

February 8, 2011

  • Lacking in Positivity

    As my title suggests, my positive mind frame has been temporarily compromised. Lol I have had a shitty day and need to vent. =)

    Slept in after my long 16 hour work day. I woke to a nice sexy text message conversation, thought with a smile, this is going to be a good day. Not long after I get a call. The bill collectors. The ex is still not paying the mortgage. My anger was instant and I automatically sent an angry email off to him. I have noticed that whenever anything concerning him comes up, I get so angry. It’s like, I am so over it, but I hate him so much. Just can’t get past the I hate you stage apparently. After a few emails he has finally decided to surrender the property to me. Now, I am stressed over money and making the payment myself. Ugh. I need to find a third job!! So on my way to work I am listening to peppy music in an attempt to beat the anger. I lean back and pop. The back rest of my drivers seat breaks and falls into the back seat. Yay. So I get to drive to work all crazy like. On my way I stop at Target to grab a soda and a little bit of chocolate to make me feel better. You know women and chocolate. I get to work, eat my chocolate and try to start the day again. Not 5 minutes later I realize a dull headache is starting. Ingredient in the chocolate? Caramel color (for new readers, I am “allergic” and cannot eat anything containing caramel color or sodium nitrates)! Ugh!!! I forgot to do an ingredient check!! =( I pop a vicodin before the migraine kicks in. It did help some but it still isn’t great. The radio at work is broken so another silent day, and this one customer that just drives me crazy because of her lack of closing time respect came in. Needless to say I was a bit irritable today. Thank goodness my closing associate was someone I love or things would have been worse. I came home and immediately hid in my room out of self preservation. Alone time is needed. Bed time is needed. I was supposed to have tomorrow off, have to work. Can’t complain because I need the money, but that puts me at working like 10 days in a row by the time my next day off rolls around. Can’t wait to end today. My apologies for the rant. =)

February 4, 2011

  • The modem at work was down when I opened this morning. Imagine telling customers, sorry, we can only accept our store credit card and cash as payment today. All day. Thankfully I didn’t get yelled at, just a few super cranky people who left. This affected sales though. I doubt we will recover by the end of the month. My store has not met and exceeded their numbers or “bonused” in at least two years. Then I come around and what? I practically run the store last month and we meet our numbers and bonus in Jan? Yup I’m good. Too bad this month is starting off so badly, and to think, I’ve been working less hours. Surprise? Haha I should stop “bragging”

    Despite a crazy work day I stayed in a great mood. See, happiness, I like it. Anyways, after I got off work I ran some errands. Ended up at petco to get some stuff for my high maintenance Romeo. As I walked by the hamsters I notice three of them fighting to run on one little wheel. The one in the middle looses his footing and gets flipped in this crazy way and falls off the wheel. It was so funny it made me giggle and my mood brighter. I of course had to stop by and see the guinea pigs. Too cute. If I’d had more time I would have browsed the fish tanks forever. I love pet stores. =)

    Paid some bills and went shopping. Got some new clothes, more sexy stuff to go with my new self. Went down another pant size so I rewarded myself with a piece of sugar free chocoate caramel. Just as good, less sugar/calories. =D Will be working it off tomorrow. lol

    Still, life is good.

    Work tomorrow morning, then 16 hours on sunday. A very long weekend ahead. I hope everyone has a good one!!

    OH, hey look, a full post without one mention of him or the affair! Go me!

  • “You are funny, sexy, smart and fun”

    Just one of many compliments I received tonight.

    “I hate going out but I have to, at least that means I can text with you more”

    He makes me feel sexier, more attractive, than my ex ever did. Maybe he is just more appreciative because his situation, maybe I just fit his type. I don’t know. I know that from the beginning I have never been uncomfortable around him or showing him this body I hate. He make me smile, and laugh, and happy. Things just feel too right. After our conversation tonight I wonder if I should end things. He was a bit buzzed and we all know what alcohol does, makes a person honest. He was too enthusiastic about me, using words like perfect, saying things like this is what I want in a woman and describing me. We texted and emailed all day and he asked more than once when I could come back, working out schedules…this is getting more and more complicated and headed in a direction that is dangerous for the both of us, at a much faster pace than anticipated. I know I should end it, but how many times since this started have I said “I should” and never followed through with my own good advice?

    I should find something better to blog about. Even if it is just work lol. I’ll get right on that. =D