Dear Xanga,

You have changed so much since I have been gone. It will take some time for me to get used to I am sure. I apologize for my absence, life, it happens. After my computers died I got out of my blogging habit so, when I had access to a computer again xanga became something I thought about randomly while in the shower or driving about. I think about the people I met here often and miss everyone. My phone died so I lost many numbers. =(

For my blogging re-introductory I shall attempt to make this shorter and start with a why I’m back summary. Aside from missing all my xanga friends, it is time for the final steps of my ‘become who you’ve always wanted to be’ journey. Years of changing and fixing! I’ve achieved much of what I wanted. I hit my goal weight, I lost half my body weight and then some…I got the amazing man who treats me the way I’ve always wanted, I’ve got friends who care for me and a family who knows me and supports me, we’re even learning to communicate! Gasp! Through all this change and the usual growing up changes, I’ve lost some of Me. Jen has gotten lost in the mix and I gotta fish her back out.

After almost 3 years together Rusty and I have hit a crucial part in our relationship. In losing me I lost my confidence, this was of course a down hill slide to second guessing my every move, making stupid thoughtless decisions that I never would have done in the past and pushing myself to about an inch away from losing all that I have worked to achieve. Not acceptable!! In my final attempt to fix this, I have vowed to find Jen again. I sat down one night to think about how to do this. I made my notes and lists like I do, and I came to the conclusion; I no longer blogged. I stopped taking that little bit of time for me, where I sort out my crazy mixed up ADHD thoughts and views without judgement. I’ve stopped doing little things for me because I was busy, I resented everyone else who enjoyed themselves and that’s just not cool. Bad Jen!

Ups, downs and rambles of past errors are probably all soon to come, thats ok, as my counselor (yes even started therapy) says, I am Just fine how I am, and I could be better. I will be, it’s how I do things.

So vow started I am here, and I am blogging. Come along for the ride if you dare! =D

My Grandmother passed this morning. I didn’t find out until after work, about an hour ago. I think I am just numb at this moment. I had such a good day, maybe that was her gift to me.

I know the grief will come and when it does, it will be strong. I loved her so completely, she was very important to me. She was the only one allowed to call me Jenny, though she never played favorites I was always told by everyone that I was the favorite, she had a soft sopt in her heart for me, and I her. I always saw her at my wedding, holding my babies…you think, wish the ones you love could live forever. I know she is no longer in pain, and if it exists, her soul is in that better place in the sky. I wish I could hug her and tell her I love her, I didn’t get to say goodbye like I wanted.

I will be the strong one for the family, they need it. I usually am the strong one. It will be hard this time though because in the past, I had my ex to lean on and hold me when I needed it. Now, I am standing alone when I just wish I could be held.

I haven’t been around much lately. The two weeks after my last post i spent my days off in la with Jacques. The longest we went without seeing each other during that time was four days. There was lots of bonding time. Now we are at 3 weeks. There are tentative plans for me to go down there next wednesday. We will see. There is so much I could write about the progression of us. Comments like “it feels like forever since I’ve seen you, and it’s been such a hard time for us both, I wish we could just hang out” and random phone calls just to talk (which he has never done, ever). That blog would take forever though. I miss him terribly and can’t wait to get down there!

I have mostly been absent from xanga because I have been terribly sick. Extreme nausea, exhaustion, daily fevers over 100, dizziness all lasting about 3 weeks. First I thought it was a flu, then everyone had me terrified I was pregnant, I thought I was just run down from so many trips to la, work, side work with my ex and a project with Jax all at once. Wednesday I ended up in urgent care and was told I had a raging kidney infection that would have put me in the er with bad complications by the weekend. I was instructed to go straight to the er if my nausea got worse, any pains started and I was not better in two days. Of course my symptoms worsened and I ended up in the er after a second trip to urgent care. I don’t have insurance so I was hoping urgent care could help. =( The er ran a bunch of tests and rehydrated me then told me to go home. =( Jax was so incredible this whole time I’ve been sick. He has worried endlessly, checked on me multiple times a day, if I did not keep him updated I got in trouble, he called the project manager and had our project due date pushed back a week so I could get better, so many other little things. He said he wished he was in the er with me so he could entertain me and help me kill time. He told me today I am not allowed to get sick again because he was too worried and stressed. Lol. Men. He’s been really sweet though, another thing I never expected from him.

Around thursday my grandmother was taken to the hospital for a urinary tract infection that made her septic. At 92 that is quite dangerous. The dr’s told my mom not to expect her to recover but she did. They cleared the infection out of her body and she was doing much better and slated to come home today. Still quite weak and still in the hospital she suffered from a heart attack last night. It was a pretty major attack and they do not feel she will recover this time. I dont think she will be coming home…the family is all coming out to see her. I am so sad I don’t know what to do. I hope she wows everybody again and gets better. I mean, she beat cancer twice, got within inches of death from sepsis after the second cancer battle, survived sepsis at 92…a heart attack should be nothing for her right?? Yeah, ill keep trying to convince myself. She is my last living grand parent, always my favorite and I love her terribly. =(

I really wish I had a more upbeat topic to blog about…

“I’m fighting to keep eyes open but wanted to say hi before going to sleep” What a great way to end the day!! =D

I spent an amazing 40 hours in LA. It was time that, no matter which direction this ends up going, I will always cherish. We’ve known each other 6 years, but this time together was a different kind of getting to know each other. 40 hours straight, just him and me. We just hung out, laughed, played, joked, learned more about each other and just had fun. I could see him relax and the stress ease off as the time went on. I got to overhear him skype with the boys, which just melted my heart. He really loves and cherishes them, hes an amazing father. I guess I should explain that the kids and their mom are on the east coast so, I stayed with him for two nights. Yes, I stayed at their apartment. I don’t regret it, not even sleeping in their bed with him each night. It was awkward for me at first but he worked to make me very comfortable. I saw why he is so miserable. At one point he said “I really hate coming home”. Broke my heart to hear the way he said it, I feel bad for him, the whole situation sucks. I just want to make it all better. I can’t say if the trip was a good thing or a bad thing for us. There is definitely a stronger connection and there is a difference in the way he texts me. Now he says stuff like “I work tomorrow for nascar but I will text you from the track”. It is good that we make each other happy. It is good that we get along so well and have a lot in common. I also say the same things are bad. Bad because they could cause a strong attachment to me(or each other) that will end up causing issues. I will continue to just let this run it’s course, with him calling all the shots because I just don’t know what to do. I think I might be deeply in love. Scares me to admit that.

I am flipping out a little bit. I am probably over reacting but oh well. I put myself out there. A little back story. My last trip, Jacques and I were talking about this artist who recorded his own record using cassette tapes and two boom boxes. The album was amazing and was just rerecorded with various artists covering each song. Anyone know the artist name let me know because I can’t remember lol. Anyways, Jax is amazed by all of it, including this guy’s talent. It was a very long convo.

Ok so tonight we are talking, he asks how I am, I ask the same. He writes back with

“Stressed
Tired
Worn out
Stressed
Excited
This weekend is a huge op(opportunity) career wise with NASCAR and artist but I don’t have $$ to get right gear and crew and I’m praying I can make it work with what I have…
Been at it 24 7 since I’ve seen u and have red eye on wed nite and will not be read if I had a month to prep”

He is so stressed, I can hear him saying all this and I know how stressed he is. So I wrote back

“I’d give you a massage to relax you so you could sleep well and not be so stressed if I were there.

Consider this your self recorded cassette. Just because you don’t have the best equipment does not mean that you won’t do amazing. I have complete faith in your abilities. No one is ever 100% ready. This is a big op, you’ll do great! Really.”

This is the most Ive come to wearing my heart on my sleeve. I read what I wrote and hear my feelings for him all hidden in there. So now I am all weird because he hasn’t responded in the last 45 minutes, and I dont know that he will.

Agh. Ok sorry. End stressed out rant. I am just being stupid. He is a guy, probably just thinks I am being nice. lol

:twitch twitch:

I really think I will do this daily thing, just for my personal reference if anything.

During a conversation about some sex stuff:

Dude-ette(ok lol’d at that) unless everyone is on same page at same time…. It’s not awesome.

I really mean it… Only cool when everyone involved is into it

No presure on anything ever u aren’t into

Me… I love it all. Didn’t think I would as much as I did and would love to do it again and again… Not as an everyday thing but every now and then… But again the turn in comes from everyone wanting the same thing … Truly

Why am I listing this? Because throughout this affair filled with experimentation he has always respected my boundaries, limits and me. He is always thoughtful and understanding with me. It is nice, the respect, being treated this way. He will for me, sacrifice things he would like to have because I may not be comfortable. I never thought as the other woman I would get so much respect.

Maybe I will start doing an email of the day blog. A daily nice thing he says to me that makes me smile or want to sigh as my heart goes pitter patter.

Today’s? In response to my dad requiring me to get rid of the cats in the last fight.

“Dude… We got to get you out of there. When I’m back from Boston I’m making it a priority”

Yeah stupid of me but yes I cried a few tears as my heart went flip flop. I think it is because it seems he works hard to see that I am happy. He is going to Tennessee for a NASCAR shoot with an artist next week, then to Boston. That means our every other week visit will be postponed awhile. I am a little sad about that.

Sometimes I want to say stop being so good to me you’re making life harder. lol

What to blog about? Work has been pretty good. Had a visit with my district manager, was a bit stressed but the visit went well. I havent been on my computer for some time because I have been working a lot and have also moved my room to an outside room in the back yard. I am excited about the extra privacy.

I had a huge fight with my dad this past week. He accused me of many things, then tried to add in that I never talked to him or came seeking his opinion. I finally got pissed and fought back, I told him why I never talked to him. I told him the last time I went looking for his opinion he spent 3 hours dashing my hopes and dreams. He said he didn’t believe me even as the tears of hurt and pain were streaming down my face. I yelled at him some more then cried and cried. He finally gave up, tried to apologize and made excuses. When the conversation was over he asked for a hug. I told him no. I have only spoken to him once since then. It is nice to not have to be nice or cordial or actually talk to him and now, he knows why.

My father also insisted that I get rid of my kids. The impression was, give away the cats or move out. I am devastated. I need to find an amazing home for them where they can stay together and be taken care of. I am so worried. =’( Not sure what to do.

The relationship between Jacques and me is still evolving. Yes, I revealed his name. I love his name, it is not his real name but has been a nickname since elementary. Still it is who he is. Anyways, my last trip was quite different than the usual. There was much more intimacy, much more kissing than usual, and while we still had long lunches and movie dates we spent time in the hotel just…hanging out, talking, laughing and relaxing. During our hotel talk he slipped in that “I just don’t know what is going to happen with her long term”. I just don’t know where this is going. There are more and more little things he does to suggest he has feelings…We still talk every day. He comes to me when he has had a bad day, he talks to me when he is stressed. Tonight we were taking, one of our happy fun conversations. Then he slips in a “we need you to move here dont we” I said yes, we really do. “I have to find you a job and place to live asap…i need to be in you all the time.” Yes you do I said. “Aside from the mind blowing great sex…i just like u being around…your a great person and a lot of fun.” I did not know what to say, so I just said Thanks, ditto…a bit later he replied to one of my texts saying, “u are always hot” trying to get better at accepting compliments I just said =D thanks! He said “No…thank you and your hotness” I put lol and he said “this is one of the few times I am serious” “you really are hot sexy and fun”. My friend was with me while we were texting, she told me my whole demeanor changes when I talk to him, I get happy and smile more. She read the whole convo as it happened, she things he has feelings too. I do not know what to think or feel. He opened the door for me to offer my feelings up, i did, in a way, my way where I cant get hurt. I think he has an idea about how I feel now. He hasn’t backed off. There is a good chance I will be going for another visit on tuesday. We will see. 

Life has been a bit interesting. I have had my good times and bad times lately. My heart so is full of love for Jacques, broken over my kids(cats) and healing from my past. Talk about being pulled in all different directions.

The cold cradles my heart, the gloom shadows my face, the rain hides my tears and the wind wraps me in its cold embrace creating magic in a moment where there is nothing but pain.

I love storms, when my heart is high they are this powerful wonder to watch. When my heart is bleeding, they are the emotions within me spilling out, causing destruction inside and all around me. It is supposed to be a bad storm coming, I want to revel in the power of nature while sitting outside, wrapped up in a ball, feeling everything I dont want to be. Instead I will be at work, holding it all in, a mask of happiness on my face watching the storm go on without me.