February 10, 2011
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Another Ledge
I wonder how far you can fall before you hit the bottom. I think there are ledges that you land on and hang onto, then something happens that pushes you off, you fall deeper. I think I’ve already fallen off of, about two ledges. I didn’t want to, I clung onto and clawed at those ledges trying to stay on. I continue to berate myself, among my insults, the favorite “stupid girl”. But I wonder, how responsible I am when I was pushed?
Anyone still following me? Probably not. When I first realized I loved him I told myself, that’s okay, but just leave it at that. Then, well my last trip he pushed my off a ledge. How full of love he gets when he talks about his kids. Nothing but smiles and amazement. How much fun we had just sitting and talking. Be treated so well. The way he looked at me when we were intimate. The combination of everything…push.
In the two weeks since my last trip, so many more little things. The conversations are fun and happy and sexy. Our personalities are so similar. He makes me smile, laugh and giggle every time we talk. He backs me 100% in the drama with the ex. So much so that he’s offered help with a small claims case if I choose to go that route. He’s said that if he gives the ex a project, he will give half of the ex’s fee to me help pay off what the ex owes me. He has also said many times that the ex made the biggest mistake of his life, and really fucked up his life by ending things with me. He makes me feel like I am worth something. There is so much more I cannot put into the right words. We talked half the day today. I really think that sometime today I was pushed again.
I’m not happy about it, yet I feel so giddy and happy. My brain is quite confused. So I wonder, how far will he push me, how far can I fall, and will I land on a ledge and sit comfortably? Love grows. If you are with someone, the love, it just keeps expanding in your chest. My fear? I will find that bottom, and when I do, there will be no one there to catch me.
I know I can fix all of this by ending it. Such a simple solution. Unfortunately, I really don’t see myself doing that anytime soon. Plus, he’s not as happy as I thought he was. I saw between his words today, I also saw that, I make him happy too.
Comments (12)
I worried about you when you first started this journey, but it seems to me you see things pretty clearly and know what you are doing.
Wishing you a great day of journey.
If you can separate yourself from the hormonal happy, being best friends is pretty good!!!
@C_L_O_G - I really do know what I am doing sometimes. Other times I think to myself what am I doing?? I am holding to that fact that I do see the situation clearly. That way I will see what is coming before it hits.
@slmret - Youre right, best friends is pretty good. I would be happy with that if this were all to end nicely. I say end nicely because I doubt we could stay friends if she were to find out but they stay together.
Separating the hormonal happy…I am having a hard time with the right now. I am working on it though….
ride the happy, but put the tray tables away and the seat backs in the upright setting in prep for the landing.
@buddy71 - lol thanks…i think. Ill try to be as prepared as possible…
”My fear? I will find that bottom, and when I do, there will be no one there to catch me.”
i may not be there to catch you, but i will come along and help you up, dust you off, give you a hug or a shoulder to cry on and listen.
@buddy71 - thank you, that is good to know
I hope I don’t need it, but I probably will. <3
Good entry.
He sounds like a good guy, you should let things continue. If it’s love, don’t run from it…let it grow.You’ll never know if you don’t take a chance.
I have no advices, I was never good at running away from love, no matter in what form it came. But wanted to say I read and I understand your feelings.
Somethings just have to run their course–maybe marriage in the future or maybe just great memories. Hard to say. I know that for right now you are enjoying him and he you. I think I know your feeling about falling off the ledge. It is not uncommon for these relationships to suddenly end and it does hurt.
It is good that you are thinking about it now.
Take care of yourself,
frank