Month: September 2010

  • Day 3: Blank Body

    A blank body has nothing, feels nothing. Some storm clouds seem so blank, full of darkness. A dull, blank body.

    A puddle laying on the ground after a storm, looking down at it, it is blank. Dull and lifeless nothing to it but some brown water. You combine them together and you make beauty.

    Blank bodies full of unseen promise. I could compare this to some people. Two bodies, blank and alone, lonely. When combined they make beauty. You see them a different way and are awed.

    I will find my puddle, my ocean and we will awe. =D

    Day 2: Blank Life

  • Day 2: Blank Life

    If you have nothing left to hope for

    You have nothing left to live for

    And eventually, something will swoop in and take your place

    A blank life. Hopeless.

     

    As much as I want to sometimes, I have not yet given up hope.

    Day 1: Blank Space

  • Tonight I sat down and put on a movie. Didn’t really plan on paying attention. Just wanted background noise while I whittled my depressing life away online, waiting for sleepiness to kick in. I glance up as a date scene plays out. “So What happened with your ex?” “Well…he just stopped loving me….and I don’t know what I did or didn’t do.” My heart cried because that is exactly what I would have to say if I were asked that question. I actually watched the movie tonight. “Must Love Dogs” A cute movie, I recommend if you like chick flicks. Funny how her story mimicked my own in many ways. I only hope that my story ends that way too. Finding the “one” for me. I want to love again but I am afraid. Afraid that I will give too much of myself up again, only to have it thrown back at me all broken. Oh I believe in love, I just don’t know if love believes in me…

    Just some off handed thoughts running through my mind tonight, felt like getting em out I guess. No wonder I have been keen on staying away from them romantic movies these days.

  • Day 1: Blank Space

    A house is not a home until decorated. This is one of the reasons I have considered going into interior design, turning a house into a home. I see the blank space and want to fill it with beauty. Once upon a time my parents were selling their house, it went into escrow but ended in a scam. The house was half packed and all homey things, pictures, in boxes. Almost two years later, things are still packed. It makes for a house full of blank space. I never really realized it until I started looking.

    Here is just one example

     

    Not so inventive I know, very literal. I will blame it on sleep deprivation instead of a creative block… =)

     

     

  • Blank

    I am an artist with no muse. An empty shell of a person. I want so badly to create, to do, maybe so badly that I am blocking myself..? Yet, how am I supposed to feel something and create when I am not sure I feel anything at all? Blank mind, blank heart, blank life. Just, blank.

    My words are not coming out right.

    I have…nothing more to say.

  • Fugly…?

    I love magazine ads, and I hate them. So many beautiful women, clothes, great models. I admire and critique poses and looks, study the fashion. Oh I love clothes and shoes, I am a closet fashionista! I hate that there is no way these clothes would look good on my fat ass. =( I of course have issues with the perception of women these pictures give to all. The image of perfection that girls and women have to compare themselves to, and to compete with. I hate the photoshopping that makes these women look perfect. An image that is unobtainable. Still I sit and look, currently the Victoria’s Secret catalog, and I think, I would love to look like that. I am working on loosing weight, these pictures give me inspiration and make me feel sad(at the disgust I feel for myself) at the same time. Still, every pound that I shead, I celebrate lol, the more I loose the better I feel about myself. I hope that one day, I will look as close to these pics as my body will healthy allow! Here are just a few pictures that stood out to me in the catalog.

    She is so skinny! Little girls try to make themselves look like that! =( I wonder how much was photoshopped off of her already tiny figure.

    I love this picture. Yes, I would love to look that skinny! lol That would be close to my style. I dress now in what I am comfortable in, sadly, I pay no attention to my own current style. =(

    This babydoll is sexy! I love it, and the picture! She is really beautiful, sexy, and her figure perfect! But look at her arm. It is too straight on the bottom of her bicep…photoshop? Still, I would love to look even half that good.

    This is just plain ol’ fugly me, fresh out of the shower, hair tossed up, sitting in my room and wrapped in a blanket. No model here, just a girl who wants to feel good about herself. A girl who works daily to like herself.

    I am, not quite sure what the point of this post really was… My love for style, my sadness at what has become of the image of women, how I, like many other compare myself to these beautiful women? I do not know, maybe there is not point. Me and my pointless posts. But I wonder, do you love/like yourself? Do you compare yourself to magazine models?

    Source

    Source

    Source

  • Father rant. Apologies.

    The weekend was shit. Well, my Aunt was down to help with Grandma which was pretty nice, we had a nice visit and she was better this time. The worst was sunday, my dumbass father broke the water main and we had to fix it. He spent the whole day pissed off and yelling at everybody who was trying to help him. It was his own damn fault and stupidity that broke it and we suffered as usual. Today, I was talking with my mom, I said I had not heard from the medical place and would call tomorrow since this evening was one week. She said, well if you don’t get this one I will have to do your interviews for you from now on, maybe you;ll get a job. Break my heart a little more please. It is not like I don’t spend my day thinking “what is wrong with me?” She goes and reinforces it. She said she as just kidding, but it really felt like a stab in the heart. So I am sad, depressed and vulnerable, I need to vent my father anger

    My father is an ass and I truly hate him. I hate him so much that I shake with anger. He makes my life a living hell. I fully remember now why I so desperately wanted out of the house when I was younger. Other than the way he treats me and talks down to me like I am a complete idiot, he is mentally and verbally abusive. He is a lazy bastard who thinks everyone should bow down to him. Since moving back home I have done my best to buy all my own stuff, all my toiletries, food, gas (despite my car mostly being used for my parents errands), stuff for my cats to make their lives easier. I have loaned my parents money many times and even bought their food and stuff, never once saying you owe me now. I have had to put all my shower stuff/toiletries into a caddy and carry them from bedroom to shower because if I do not take my stuff out of the bathroom, the ass will use it. Go out of his way to use my toothpaste, razor, shampoos and face wash. My food, the special food that I have to buy because of my food “allergies”, I have to hide. If I do not, he will eat it, then deny it. If I say anything about it, he will throw whatever he can in my face, we buy the rest of your food, we don’t charge you rent, if I can’t eat your food you can’t eat mine. Aren’t parents supposed to be there for their kids during hard times? It’s not like I don’t do anything in the house. I am his damn slave. 25 and can’t go out with my friends sometimes because he is mad and I will get in trouble when I come home. My one big, “grown up” possession I did not leave in la was my couch. I love it. I have offered for the family to use it if they were careful not to ruin it. My mom said no and it is back out of the way in the living room. It is a little sectional with big comfy cushions and instead of cushions for your back, big comfy pillows. Yes, i love it. lol. Asshole spends his day watching tv. He is so damn lazy and fat that, sitting in his chair he squishes the cushion down to nothing. To compensate he puts pillows on the chair before sitting. I find out today that the fat ass is taking the pillow cushions from my couch and sitting on them, squishing them to pancakes. Must he ruin everything? His logic, well you did not take care of our stuff when you were growing up so why should I take care of yours. I was not at all destructive a a kid!!!! I work my ass off for him, cleaning and taking care of his stuff and this is how he pays me back. I am so frustrated I want to cry. I know it is dumb, but that couch means a lot to me and it kills me to see it get ruined. I proceed to hide all the pillows, stating that I was going to look into getting them cleaned. That is a lie, I can hardly afford to by food these days. Let the yelling begin. I am now in trouble. For trying to preserve my own things.

    Just needed to rant. I am miserable and seriously considering moving out and living in shelters to get away, I would be happier that way. Sad huh? Arggg. I hope this all doesnt sound like I am some superficial dolt who can’t be happy with her circumstances and whines about every little thing that goes wrong in life. I am really the opposite, I promise. *sigh* I do know how to be happy, it just is not possible with the ass around. He sees to that.

  • My life in a nutshell. Not much going on recently. Lame-o

    Cleaned like a whirlwind yesterday, vacuumed downstairs, cleaned the whole upstairs…except dusting, cooked dinner, went walking, did some reading, played games with my brother. That people, is an interesting day in my life. lol.

    Finished season 4 of Dexter last night and all I have to say is shockedsurprised I am pissed!!! I get attached to characters and want them to live happily ever after. What can I say, I am a woman. So, when they end it the way they did, especially after everything was finally looking good. NOT COOL! Grrrr. Season 5 does look like it will be good, but I am sad in the mean time. Stupid tv.

    Applied to a bunch of places friday. Got a few emails saying sorry, you suck. Lol. I also got a call from one, did a phone interview thingy. A health insurance place similar but more well known then the one I used to work at. The girl sounded interested and might I say possibly impressed with my “accomplishments”. Finally a job where I don’t have to dumb down my resume and skills. So I think I did well. She said she would send my stuff over to the human resources people here, being that she is in Boston and the available job is here in town (in Cali). I guess that means I passed the initial screening and the preliminaries? Hehe. I should hear something from HR within a week. If not she said I was welcome to call her back. Being that I actually have direct experience and showed initiative to learn it myself, I might have a chance. *fingers crossed*

    I’ve been bad about posting, but I won’t make promises about “posting more often” and such, don’t like saying I’m gonna do something then not do it.

    To give this post a little meaning here is a picture! Yay! hehe. Took this last month when poking around the graveyard. I could just imagine a spirit sitting here watching the sunset. What would it be thinking about?

  • My Stack =)

    I love to read, all types of books, I love the stories, the learning, the fantasy. My reading has been on and off lately, reading a lot, then reading a little. I should get to it a little more. I have a stack in my room I need/want to read…when I say that I have a stack of books in my room, I’m not kidding, I really have a stack. Hehe. Some of these books I have bought, some my mom gave me to read, some my sister gave me to read, and some I found around the house and I grabbed them. =) I thought, why not make a list, get a lil’ input? I will, however, refrain from typing out each synopsis because that would make for one long blog! Instead I have linked the books in case you want to check it out. So in no particular order, my stack:

    Hanging Up, Delia Ephron

    Tangerine, Edward Bloor

    Summer Dreams, Veda Boyd Jones/Yvonne Lehman/Tracie Peterson/Kathleen Yapp – Wow four authors?!?

    Einstein’s Daughter, Michelle Zackheim

    Lily Dale, Christine Eicker

    The Footprints of God, Greg Iles

    Summer Sisters, Judy Blume

    Tribute, Nora Roberts

    Black Hills, Nora Roberts

    Divine Evil, Nora Roberts

    Memnoch The Devil, Anne Rice

    The Vampire Armand, Anne Rice

    Merrick, Anne Rice

    Pandora, Anne Rice

    Blood and Gold, Anne Rice

    Picture Perfect, Jodi Picoult

    The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson

    The Girl Who Played With Fire, Stieg Larsson

    The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett

    Daybreak, Belva Plain

    Charlie St. Cloud, Ben Sherwood

    Mercy, Jodi Picoult

    Songs of the Humpback Whale, Jodi Picoult

    The Last Song, Nicholas Sparks

    She’s Come Undone, Wally Lamb

    Just Take My Heart, Mary Higgins Clark

    Two Cups Of Tea, Greg Morteson

    Blood Brothers (Sign of Seven Trilogy, Book 1), Nora Roberts

    The Hollow (Sign of Seven Trilogy, Book 2), Nora Roberts

    The Pagen Stone (Sign of Seven Trilogy, Book 3), Nora Roberts

    Have A Little Faith, Mitch Albom

    Revolutionary Road, Richard Yates

    The Lucky One, Nicholas Sparks

    The Pact, Jodi Picoult

    Handle With Care, Jodi Picoult

    True Colors, Kristin Hannah

    A Virtuous Woman, Kaye Gibbons

    A Bend in the Road, Nicholas Sparks

    Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

    I am currently reading The Horse Whisperer by Nicholas Evans and am enjoying it.

    As you can see I do read a lot of the same author. Either because I like their writing style/pace or just their stories in general. I do try to switch up authors because reading the same one can get monotonous in pace and such. I do wish some of these books wern’t so love story type or in the case of Nora Roberts’, stories that did not contain so much, or any, sex. I like some of the worlds that Roberts creates but all the sex gets annoying. lol. I know there is another stack of books somewhere in the house my mom has for me, there is also a stack in the living room I need to go through before we give them away. There is a few series that I am waiting on the next book to come out or have not bought the newest one. I also plan to revisit some old books, including the Harry Potter series as I have been wanting to read them again. Needless to say my reading is set for awhile..

    Despite having tons of books to read, I am always looking for a great new book. I have recently been working on moving out of the “romance” section and into, just plain ol’ good stories! So if you have read something you really enjoyed and want to recommend, I will add it to my list of books I want to pick up. There is this great little used book store in town that I found and can’t wait to revisit! =) If you have read any on my list let me know, I wouldn’t mind some input as to which is really good, I am terrible at deciding what I want to read first/next. LOL

     

  • People Who Inspire Me #2

    Even though the first installment was never really read, I will do a second. Here are a few more strong and inspiring women who I would like to be like when I grow up. Today it is movie worthy People. =)

    Erin Gruwell – An amazing teacher from Long Beach who, along with her students, were the basis of the movie Freedom Writers. She took a group of students during terrible times in So Cal and unified them despite racial barriers. She took kids destined to drop out of school and die in gang violence and helped them become for some, the first in their families to graduate high school. She founded the Freedom Writers Foundation whose purpose it to: 1. Create opportunities for students to reach their full academic potential and aspire to higher education. 2. Publicly and systematically promote an educational philosophy that values, upholds, and honors diversity. 3. Inspire students to realize their roles as vital members of their communities. She works to make a difference in places where it is really needed. Yup I would like to be like that when I grow up!

     

    Roberta Guaspari-Tzavaras – Another teacher who tried her best to make a difference. The inspiration for the movie Music of the Heart. After a shocking and heartbreaking divorce she moved to New York with her two sons and started her life over. A violin teacher working in East Harlem, fighting to keep music programs alive after budget cuts. “Music is as important as learning to read and write. It exercises their brains. There’s this wonderful feeling of pride and empowerment.” She organized a fund-raising program called Opus 118 to keep the music programs alive. She teaches in three schools, all the funding and her own salary coming from the donations made to Opus 118. There are so many kids eager to get into her music classes that she has to hold a lottery to see who gets in. Art and music is so important for kids. I hate it that those are the first programs cut from schools. Roberta definitely inspires me, I’d like to be like that when I grow up.

    Erin Brockovich – Who doesn’t know the story or the movie starring Julia Roberts? A single mother, unemployed and with no formal law school education, she was instrumental in creating a case against PG&E for polluting the water and people of the small southern California town of Hinkley. The case was settled in 1996 for $333 million, the largest settlement ever paid in a direct action lawsuit in US history. By working to take down PG&E and stop the pollution she saved many lives, and helped make the lives of those poisoned, suffering cancer, and many other terrible things a little bit easier. She is the president of Brockovich Research & Consulting, a consulting firm. She is currently working as a consultant for Girardi & Keese on the east coast, the New York law firm Weitz & Luxenberg,  which has a focus on personal injury claims for asbestos exposure, and Shine Lawyers in Australia. She did, and does great work that I find inspiring. Yet another person I would like to be like “when I grow up”.

     

    All of these women did something in their lives to make a difference. That is something I have always wanted to do. Helping others is not something you do for self gratification or pride, you do it for those you help, to make a difference. I plan to look into volunteering here in town, even a little bit of work, and even in you are one of the masses, you can make a difference. You might even end up like one of these determined women who, by standing by what they believe in and working their butts off, did something great.

    People Who Inspire Me #1

     

    Links:

    Gruwell

    Roberta

    Erin


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