My life in a nutshell. Not much going on recently. Lame-o

Cleaned like a whirlwind yesterday, vacuumed downstairs, cleaned the whole upstairs...except dusting, cooked dinner, went walking, did some reading, played games with my brother. That people, is an interesting day in my life. lol.

Finished season 4 of Dexter last night and all I have to say is I am pissed!!! I get attached to characters and want them to live happily ever after. What can I say, I am a woman. So, when they end it the way they did, especially after everything was finally looking good. NOT COOL! Grrrr. Season 5 does look like it will be good, but I am sad in the mean time. Stupid tv.

Applied to a bunch of places friday. Got a few emails saying sorry, you suck. Lol. I also got a call from one, did a phone interview thingy. A health insurance place similar but more well known then the one I used to work at. The girl sounded interested and might I say possibly impressed with my "accomplishments". Finally a job where I don't have to dumb down my resume and skills. So I think I did well. She said she would send my stuff over to the human resources people here, being that she is in Boston and the available job is here in town (in Cali). I guess that means I passed the initial screening and the preliminaries? Hehe. I should hear something from HR within a week. If not she said I was welcome to call her back. Being that I actually have direct experience and showed initiative to learn it myself, I might have a chance. *fingers crossed*

I've been bad about posting, but I won't make promises about "posting more often" and such, don't like saying I'm gonna do something then not do it.

To give this post a little meaning here is a picture! Yay! hehe. Took this last month when poking around the graveyard. I could just imagine a spirit sitting here watching the sunset. What would it be thinking about?

I love to read, all types of books, I love the stories, the learning, the fantasy. My reading has been on and off lately, reading a lot, then reading a little. I should get to it a little more. I have a stack in my room I need/want to read...when I say that I have a stack of books in my room, I'm not kidding, I really have a stack. Hehe. Some of these books I have bought, some my mom gave me to read, some my sister gave me to read, and some I found around the house and I grabbed them. =) I thought, why not make a list, get a lil' input? I will, however, refrain from typing out each synopsis because that would make for one long blog! Instead I have linked the books in case you want to check it out. So in no particular order, my stack:

Hanging Up, Delia Ephron

Tangerine, Edward Bloor

Summer Dreams, Veda Boyd Jones/Yvonne Lehman/Tracie Peterson/Kathleen Yapp - Wow four authors?!?

Einstein's Daughter, Michelle Zackheim

Lily Dale, Christine Eicker

The Footprints of God, Greg Iles

Summer Sisters, Judy Blume

Tribute, Nora Roberts

Black Hills, Nora Roberts

Divine Evil, Nora Roberts

Memnoch The Devil, Anne Rice

The Vampire Armand, Anne Rice

Merrick, Anne Rice

Pandora, Anne Rice

Blood and Gold, Anne Rice

Picture Perfect, Jodi Picoult

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson

The Girl Who Played With Fire, Stieg Larsson

The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett

Daybreak, Belva Plain

Charlie St. Cloud, Ben Sherwood

Mercy, Jodi Picoult

Songs of the Humpback Whale, Jodi Picoult

The Last Song, Nicholas Sparks

She's Come Undone, Wally Lamb

Just Take My Heart, Mary Higgins Clark

Two Cups Of Tea, Greg Morteson

Blood Brothers (Sign of Seven Trilogy, Book 1), Nora Roberts

The Hollow (Sign of Seven Trilogy, Book 2), Nora Roberts

The Pagen Stone (Sign of Seven Trilogy, Book 3), Nora Roberts

Have A Little Faith, Mitch Albom

Revolutionary Road, Richard Yates

The Lucky One, Nicholas Sparks

The Pact, Jodi Picoult

Handle With Care, Jodi Picoult

True Colors, Kristin Hannah

A Virtuous Woman, Kaye Gibbons

A Bend in the Road, Nicholas Sparks

Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

I am currently reading The Horse Whisperer by Nicholas Evans and am enjoying it.

As you can see I do read a lot of the same author. Either because I like their writing style/pace or just their stories in general. I do try to switch up authors because reading the same one can get monotonous in pace and such. I do wish some of these books wern't so love story type or in the case of Nora Roberts', stories that did not contain so much, or any, sex. I like some of the worlds that Roberts creates but all the sex gets annoying. lol. I know there is another stack of books somewhere in the house my mom has for me, there is also a stack in the living room I need to go through before we give them away. There is a few series that I am waiting on the next book to come out or have not bought the newest one. I also plan to revisit some old books, including the Harry Potter series as I have been wanting to read them again. Needless to say my reading is set for awhile..

Despite having tons of books to read, I am always looking for a great new book. I have recently been working on moving out of the "romance" section and into, just plain ol' good stories! So if you have read something you really enjoyed and want to recommend, I will add it to my list of books I want to pick up. There is this great little used book store in town that I found and can't wait to revisit! =) If you have read any on my list let me know, I wouldn't mind some input as to which is really good, I am terrible at deciding what I want to read first/next. LOL

 

Even though the first installment was never really read, I will do a second. Here are a few more strong and inspiring women who I would like to be like when I grow up. Today it is movie worthy People. =)

Erin Gruwell - An amazing teacher from Long Beach who, along with her students, were the basis of the movie Freedom Writers. She took a group of students during terrible times in So Cal and unified them despite racial barriers. She took kids destined to drop out of school and die in gang violence and helped them become for some, the first in their families to graduate high school. She founded the Freedom Writers Foundation whose purpose it to: 1. Create opportunities for students to reach their full academic potential and aspire to higher education. 2. Publicly and systematically promote an educational philosophy that values, upholds, and honors diversity. 3. Inspire students to realize their roles as vital members of their communities. She works to make a difference in places where it is really needed. Yup I would like to be like that when I grow up!

 

Roberta Guaspari-Tzavaras - Another teacher who tried her best to make a difference. The inspiration for the movie Music of the Heart. After a shocking and heartbreaking divorce she moved to New York with her two sons and started her life over. A violin teacher working in East Harlem, fighting to keep music programs alive after budget cuts. "Music is as important as learning to read and write. It exercises their brains. There's this wonderful feeling of pride and empowerment." She organized a fund-raising program called Opus 118 to keep the music programs alive. She teaches in three schools, all the funding and her own salary coming from the donations made to Opus 118. There are so many kids eager to get into her music classes that she has to hold a lottery to see who gets in. Art and music is so important for kids. I hate it that those are the first programs cut from schools. Roberta definitely inspires me, I'd like to be like that when I grow up.

Erin Brockovich - Who doesn't know the story or the movie starring Julia Roberts? A single mother, unemployed and with no formal law school education, she was instrumental in creating a case against PG&E for polluting the water and people of the small southern California town of Hinkley. The case was settled in 1996 for $333 million, the largest settlement ever paid in a direct action lawsuit in US history. By working to take down PG&E and stop the pollution she saved many lives, and helped make the lives of those poisoned, suffering cancer, and many other terrible things a little bit easier. She is the president of Brockovich Research & Consulting, a consulting firm. She is currently working as a consultant for Girardi & Keese on the east coast, the New York law firm Weitz & Luxenberg,  which has a focus on personal injury claims for asbestos exposure, and Shine Lawyers in Australia. She did, and does great work that I find inspiring. Yet another person I would like to be like "when I grow up".

 

All of these women did something in their lives to make a difference. That is something I have always wanted to do. Helping others is not something you do for self gratification or pride, you do it for those you help, to make a difference. I plan to look into volunteering here in town, even a little bit of work, and even in you are one of the masses, you can make a difference. You might even end up like one of these determined women who, by standing by what they believe in and working their butts off, did something great.

People Who Inspire Me #1

 

Links:

Gruwell

Roberta

Erin

I have only written about this...two times...maybe. I don't know how the words bouncing around my head will spill out, but we'll see.

The past 8 years I have been trying on my own, mostly unsuccessfully, to try to come to terms with the fact that "I was raped". At first, I was blank, lost, vulnerable. Next I was depressed and in denial...denial transitioned quite nicely into recklessness and disregard for my life. All the while depression loomed, I felt responsible, guilty and those feelings never went away, they just festered. 

Rape, it is supposed to be violent right? I mean that is how it is portrayed. Some stories are so terrible that I can't imagine how the women survived. My "story" well, it wasn't so violent. Looking back, being much older and a little wiser, I know my (drunken)instincts really saved me. He was angry, so angry and the violence was there, boiling under the surface. When I walked into the room to go to bed he was there. He pushed me on the bed and sat on my chest. I was terrified. A young girl, 17, so naive about sex. I was saving myself for someone important, for someone who meant the world to me. I play back those moments in my head like a movie, I can sit and watch it, I even remember the layout of the room. I used to think, why didn't I just bite him instead of lamely thrusting my head from side to side trying to get it out of my mouth. Well, because his anger would have exploded into more violence. My next thought when he climbed off me was, if I give him what he wants, it won't be as bad. Choking back tears I whispered, "just fuck me". He was still violent and I cried for him to stop, please stop. All he did was pause and say "a virgin huh?". I remember trying to watch the tv in an out of body way rather than experience what was happening. When he was done, he grabbed the clothes he ripped off, and threw them at me like I was a whore. "put these on before someone sees you." I was broken and my innocent dreams, shattered.

Those three words I whispered have haunted me for 8 years. I know, in the back of my mind they saved me from a much worse experience, maybe even saved my life. My gut, which has never been wrong, knows my words did. But, I can't help but feel like I asked for it instead of preventing worse. The struggle between feeling like a whore who asked for it, and feeling like a lost victim has really effected my life. I kept this all to myself for years, telling no one. I never got "help" and though I needed psychological help before this and especially after, I still have not gone. It was my fault right? I didn't need a shrink adding more guilt onto my shoulders.

I have, in a way, finally come to terms with all of this. It is pretty funny, and kinda lame how I was able to get through most of the guilt. Last year, my crime drama loving self got into watching Law & Order SVU. After 8 or 9 seasons straight, all the episodes where Det. Benson constantly tells these girls it was not their fault and explains how the rapist manipulates, things started to click, and I started to feel a little better. Part of me knows it was not my fault, and part of me, it still feels like I asked for it.

I do not know what the point of this post really was, I guess I have never really put into words my guilt and shame and felt I needed to. I'm not looking for sympathy and I am not writing this for footprints or any xanga related stuff. I wrote this, for my head and my heart. For healing.

Someone on xanga recently asked, "If you had a magic lamp and 3 wishes, what would your wishes be?" I will share my answer.

I would wish for an end to sexual crimes. No more rape, no more molestation, and especially especially no more sexual crimes to be committed against children. That is a world I wish for. My other wishes, they are undecided. 

 

Ahh the last day of August. Last day of "Picture A Day"... =( it has been fun, I have made some new friends and gotten new subs. I will of course continue posting pics, I just don't know if they will be daily...we'll see.

Goodnight and goodbye "A Picture A Day" =D

Go check out the last of the daily pictures at C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet, and lil_mama2499

Previous Picture

A Picture A Day Album

Don't you just wish you could wish on a sunset? I mean they are just as beautiful as the stars...there could be fairies in the sky at sunset...maybe it is a better time to wish? The stars just don't seem to do it for me. lol

Check out the other daily pics!

C_l_o_g

Shining_Garnet

lil_mama2499

Previous Picture

A nice cool, breezy, but warm day outside. Beach weather. Whenever I feel sad or miss the beach I like to look at the thousands of pics I took at Sea World. I want so badly to go back, one day I will. The Killer Whale is my favorite animal, along with some choice Big Cats, but it is harder to catch a glimpse the my ocean favorite. I wanted to just spend the week just sitting on a bench watching them swim. Yes, I do think Sea World is my favorite "amusement" park. This pic, so calm and relaxing. No wonder I wanted to be a mermaid as a little girl. LOL.

Go check out C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet, and lil_mama2499 too!

Previous Picture

I am still a little lazy/lethargic from the all day headache yesterday so I will post a pic I took earlier this month. it is just too damn cute not to post. Hehe

I was making some No Pudge brownies and had a little helper. Being a good "sis" or "mom" or whatever he likes to call me, I let my little helper lick the spoon. It was quite an experience watching him, so funny! I have a good 30 pics. This last one where I asked for a smile is frame worthy. Hehe, I heart him.

Be sure to check out C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet, and lil_mama2499 too!

Previous Picture

Job interview today! Yay! It went really well! Not only do I just love the owner of the place, but my friend works there (she told me about the job). It is a laid back environment and everyone I saw seems really nice. Oh I hope I gets it! *fingers crossed while singin' "say a little prayer for me"*

I have a list of things I need and want to get done once I get a job, at the bottom of the list is making this area more...me. Hehe My head is hurting today(possibly food related...again) so this is a quick picture of the side of the house where I have been taking lots of pics. =D

Be sure to check out C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet, and lil_mama2499!

Previous Picture

Lalala, minding my own business, walking down the sidewalk in front on the house on the way to my quiet little nook to take finally the "whole picture" when I see in front of me this large thing just laying there. Curious me goes "ooh!" and gets down on my hands and knees. lol. A large beetle bug guy. I am kinda sad he is dead because he is so pretty. But I know if he were alive I'd be running and screaming because it is so big. Anything that is or resembles a roach is NOT ok in my book and definitely scream worthy. lol. Oh I am odd, yup. Hmmm I think I like yesterdays pic better, I am not so artsy today. lol

Don't forget the other daily pic. Go check em out!

C_l_o_g

Shining_Garnet

lil_mama2499

Previous Picture