September 2, 2010
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Guilt
I have only written about this…two times…maybe. I don’t know how the words bouncing around my head will spill out, but we’ll see.
The past 8 years I have been trying on my own, mostly unsuccessfully, to try to come to terms with the fact that “I was raped”. At first, I was blank, lost, vulnerable. Next I was depressed and in denial…denial transitioned quite nicely into recklessness and disregard for my life. All the while depression loomed, I felt responsible, guilty and those feelings never went away, they just festered.
Rape, it is supposed to be violent right? I mean that is how it is portrayed. Some stories are so terrible that I can’t imagine how the women survived. My “story” well, it wasn’t so violent. Looking back, being much older and a little wiser, I know my (drunken)instincts really saved me. He was angry, so angry and the violence was there, boiling under the surface. When I walked into the room to go to bed he was there. He pushed me on the bed and sat on my chest. I was terrified. A young girl, 17, so naive about sex. I was saving myself for someone important, for someone who meant the world to me. I play back those moments in my head like a movie, I can sit and watch it, I even remember the layout of the room. I used to think, why didn’t I just bite him instead of lamely thrusting my head from side to side trying to get it out of my mouth. Well, because his anger would have exploded into more violence. My next thought when he climbed off me was, if I give him what he wants, it won’t be as bad. Choking back tears I whispered, “just fuck me”. He was still violent and I cried for him to stop, please stop. All he did was pause and say “a virgin huh?”. I remember trying to watch the tv in an out of body way rather than experience what was happening. When he was done, he grabbed the clothes he ripped off, and threw them at me like I was a whore. “put these on before someone sees you.” I was broken and my innocent dreams, shattered.
Those three words I whispered have haunted me for 8 years. I know, in the back of my mind they saved me from a much worse experience, maybe even saved my life. My gut, which has never been wrong, knows my words did. But, I can’t help but feel like I asked for it instead of preventing worse. The struggle between feeling like a whore who asked for it, and feeling like a lost victim has really effected my life. I kept this all to myself for years, telling no one. I never got “help” and though I needed psychological help before this and especially after, I still have not gone. It was my fault right? I didn’t need a shrink adding more guilt onto my shoulders.
I have, in a way, finally come to terms with all of this. It is pretty funny, and kinda lame how I was able to get through most of the guilt. Last year, my crime drama loving self got into watching Law & Order SVU. After 8 or 9 seasons straight, all the episodes where Det. Benson constantly tells these girls it was not their fault and explains how the rapist manipulates, things started to click, and I started to feel a little better. Part of me knows it was not my fault, and part of me, it still feels like I asked for it.
I do not know what the point of this post really was, I guess I have never really put into words my guilt and shame and felt I needed to. I’m not looking for sympathy and I am not writing this for footprints or any xanga related stuff. I wrote this, for my head and my heart. For healing.
Someone on xanga recently asked, “If you had a magic lamp and 3 wishes, what would your wishes be?” I will share my answer.
I would wish for an end to sexual crimes. No more rape, no more molestation, and especially especially no more sexual crimes to be committed against children. That is a world I wish for. My other wishes, they are undecided.
Comments (7)
rape is about power not sex. you didnt give him permission, he took it. the rapist works on the fear that he presents. you are no less of a person/woman/lover/friend because of this. it is/was not your fault. rape does not have to be violent, but most of the time it is agressive.
i am sorry that this event happened to you. you did not cause it.
you are a wonderful, beautiful woman. i hope that someday you can be healed from this.
Guilty — NO !!! Shame — not if there’s no guilt ! I’m glad that you are finally coming to terms with that, but it’s never too late to get professional help in working through the last vestiges of such emotions. Take good care of yourself!
I think you have an awesome wish and I’m glad you are finding some measure of healing from this terrible attack.
I hope that your wish comes true. I wish that I could go back in time and undo all the rape and physical crimes that have been committed upon undeserving people. I am sorry about what happened to you, and in no way or form should you feel guilty for it. You are an amazing person that deserves the world and someone else chose to be selfish and take something that wasn’t theirs. It’s their fault, not yours. Your post is truly motivational and I hope that everything works out for you in the future. Take care
1 out of 3 women gets raped in her life time. I’m one of them too – not once but twice. After that I went on the offensive after anyone I even suspected might be stalking me with that in mind… and it worked. No more problems with that. The predator doesn’t like things getting turned on him like that. But mind you, a solution like that almost never ocurs to an innocent. You have to experience something bad to start thinking like that. It wouldn’t occur to your average invincible or timid teenager. It just doesn’t. Its not your fault. But I think your wish, the wish of all of us who have ever been victims or might be, is that all convicted rapists should be either chemically sterilized or executed and no chance for parole before that… no chance to re commit as all of them would do given the chance. Stay strong. Don’t let the bastards win.
I feel for you; around me I’ve known acquaintances, loves, and close friends of mine who have been raped. Rape is never excusable. I wish our society had the gumption to initiate a cultural practice of consent. No means you stop trying to get the other person to do something. Just stop.
Unwanted sex is always bad sex and hurts and haunts. I’m glad that you’ve come to terms with what had happened, but I still wish it hadn’t of happened.
Good thoughts to you and others who’ve experienced rape.
i wish that it was possible that your wish would come true. that would be perfect and i know many girls that have been hurt my men in that way. my ex was raped by her own brother and cousin before me and her met. i think i helped for her wounds to heal, and i hope that yours heal to. the other commenters were right it was never your fault and you shouldnt feel guilty. i hope that you continue to get stronger and stronger as time goes on.