Why am I so excited?? Well...I GOT A JOB! YAY! =D I am now a Seasonal Sales Associate for Bath and Body Works. =) I am going to work my butt off so that I have a good chance at being hired full time after the holiday season. Plus I have another job interview at Jenny Craig as a weight loss consultant on monday morning. The manager told us in the interview that a second job is 100% ok because she can't expect someone to live off of 3 hours a week. Yes, some seasonal employees will only get that few hours. I would prefer to be a favorite and get more hours and have only one job. But I have had two job at the same time in the past, if necessary, I will do it again. =D

Either way, I start work on Wednesday at 11am. =D

YAY!

All ready for bed and sleepy just about to turn out the light when I hear this crash, hiss and something run and slam into my screen door. Scared the shit out of me!! So I get up, go to the back door that leads to the patio, turn on the light and shakily unlock the door. My cat Romeo is outside again! He was the one who ran into my door, trying to get back in. At least it was not a 630am or 830am wake up call like the last couple of nights...

This is the third night in a row that he was outside. My cats are not allowed outside. I have had some recent trouble with curious Romeo trying to get outside. He hides near the door so you cant see him then tries to sneak out. A cat too smart for his own good. Lol. Supervised daytime patio trips I do not mind but night time!?! Not cool!! We have coyotes that are bold enough to enter the backyard if a cat is lurking around the fence. We also have huge owls (yes, owls are known to attack cats) who are around this time of year living in our trees. One even came flying, attack mode, at my brother and me the other night. If I lost either one of my cats I would be devastated.

So how is he getting outside at night? Asshole! I mean my father! He sits up all night watching tv, but because he is nicotine addicted he often pauses the satellite and goes outside to chain smoke and watches tv out on the patio. How hard it is to look at the ground when coming in or out to make sure that there is not a cat there waiting to sneak out?? Not hard. So three nights in a row now he has let Romeo out. After the first night I told him, when you came back inside last night romeo got out. I didn't even place the blame on him as to make him less defensive. He acted all concerned and upset. The next night you would think that he would pay more attention..right? Nope. So today I told my mom. Dad let romeo out again last night, I am wondering if he is doing it on purpose. He hates romeo and I have been on his shit list for a long while now. This is just the thing he would do to "get back at me". She agreed and confronted him. After denying it she relayed the convo to me. He was super mad at me the rest of tonight and I am afraid that tonight he really let romeo out on purpose because he was "accused" earlier. I mean, how can this happen 3 nights in a row, with being nicely told each afternoon that he was responsible and to please please watch when going in and out of the house? I even put a box in the way of romeo's hiding spot today so he couldn't sneak and it would be completely obvious that he is by the door. Is my father more deaf dumb and blind than I thought he was?

I am quite upset and not at all tired anymore. I needed to vent. I don't know what to do. I am used to being treated like shit so I put up with it, but putting my cat/s in danger? The only thing I have asked from him since moving back home is to not let the cats outside, especially at night, and he cant even respect that. What should I do? Does anyone have any advice as to dealing with this? It seems simply talking to him and explaining things does not work. Big surprise there. It is not like I can lock romeo up in a closet all night so he can't get out. =( Call me the crazy cat lady if you like, but my kitties are my kids and I want to find a solution for this!

I see this and can't help but think of my past. A childhood is supposed to be full of happiness, family moments full of joy. Instead my past, my memories of these moments are blank.

Day 3: Blank Body

A blank body has nothing, feels nothing. Some storm clouds seem so blank, full of darkness. A dull, blank body.

A puddle laying on the ground after a storm, looking down at it, it is blank. Dull and lifeless nothing to it but some brown water. You combine them together and you make beauty.

Blank bodies full of unseen promise. I could compare this to some people. Two bodies, blank and alone, lonely. When combined they make beauty. You see them a different way and are awed.

I will find my puddle, my ocean and we will awe. =D

Day 2: Blank Life

If you have nothing left to hope for

You have nothing left to live for

And eventually, something will swoop in and take your place

A blank life. Hopeless.

As much as I want to sometimes, I have not yet given up hope.

Day 1: Blank Space

Tonight I sat down and put on a movie. Didn't really plan on paying attention. Just wanted background noise while I whittled my depressing life away online, waiting for sleepiness to kick in. I glance up as a date scene plays out. "So What happened with your ex?" "Well...he just stopped loving me....and I don't know what I did or didn't do." My heart cried because that is exactly what I would have to say if I were asked that question. I actually watched the movie tonight. "Must Love Dogs" A cute movie, I recommend if you like chick flicks. Funny how her story mimicked my own in many ways. I only hope that my story ends that way too. Finding the "one" for me. I want to love again but I am afraid. Afraid that I will give too much of myself up again, only to have it thrown back at me all broken. Oh I believe in love, I just don't know if love believes in me...

Just some off handed thoughts running through my mind tonight, felt like getting em out I guess. No wonder I have been keen on staying away from them romantic movies these days.

A house is not a home until decorated. This is one of the reasons I have considered going into interior design, turning a house into a home. I see the blank space and want to fill it with beauty. Once upon a time my parents were selling their house, it went into escrow but ended in a scam. The house was half packed and all homey things, pictures, in boxes. Almost two years later, things are still packed. It makes for a house full of blank space. I never really realized it until I started looking.

Here is just one example

Not so inventive I know, very literal. I will blame it on sleep deprivation instead of a creative block... =)

I am an artist with no muse. An empty shell of a person. I want so badly to create, to do, maybe so badly that I am blocking myself..? Yet, how am I supposed to feel something and create when I am not sure I feel anything at all? Blank mind, blank heart, blank life. Just, blank.

My words are not coming out right.

I have...nothing more to say.

I love magazine ads, and I hate them. So many beautiful women, clothes, great models. I admire and critique poses and looks, study the fashion. Oh I love clothes and shoes, I am a closet fashionista! I hate that there is no way these clothes would look good on my fat ass. =( I of course have issues with the perception of women these pictures give to all. The image of perfection that girls and women have to compare themselves to, and to compete with. I hate the photoshopping that makes these women look perfect. An image that is unobtainable. Still I sit and look, currently the Victoria's Secret catalog, and I think, I would love to look like that. I am working on loosing weight, these pictures give me inspiration and make me feel sad(at the disgust I feel for myself) at the same time. Still, every pound that I shead, I celebrate lol, the more I loose the better I feel about myself. I hope that one day, I will look as close to these pics as my body will healthy allow! Here are just a few pictures that stood out to me in the catalog.

She is so skinny! Little girls try to make themselves look like that! =( I wonder how much was photoshopped off of her already tiny figure.

I love this picture. Yes, I would love to look that skinny! lol That would be close to my style. I dress now in what I am comfortable in, sadly, I pay no attention to my own current style. =(

This babydoll is sexy! I love it, and the picture! She is really beautiful, sexy, and her figure perfect! But look at her arm. It is too straight on the bottom of her bicep...photoshop? Still, I would love to look even half that good.

This is just plain ol' fugly me, fresh out of the shower, hair tossed up, sitting in my room and wrapped in a blanket. No model here, just a girl who wants to feel good about herself. A girl who works daily to like herself.

I am, not quite sure what the point of this post really was... My love for style, my sadness at what has become of the image of women, how I, like many other compare myself to these beautiful women? I do not know, maybe there is not point. Me and my pointless posts. But I wonder, do you love/like yourself? Do you compare yourself to magazine models?

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The weekend was shit. Well, my Aunt was down to help with Grandma which was pretty nice, we had a nice visit and she was better this time. The worst was sunday, my dumbass father broke the water main and we had to fix it. He spent the whole day pissed off and yelling at everybody who was trying to help him. It was his own damn fault and stupidity that broke it and we suffered as usual. Today, I was talking with my mom, I said I had not heard from the medical place and would call tomorrow since this evening was one week. She said, well if you don't get this one I will have to do your interviews for you from now on, maybe you;ll get a job. Break my heart a little more please. It is not like I don't spend my day thinking "what is wrong with me?" She goes and reinforces it. She said she as just kidding, but it really felt like a stab in the heart. So I am sad, depressed and vulnerable, I need to vent my father anger

My father is an ass and I truly hate him. I hate him so much that I shake with anger. He makes my life a living hell. I fully remember now why I so desperately wanted out of the house when I was younger. Other than the way he treats me and talks down to me like I am a complete idiot, he is mentally and verbally abusive. He is a lazy bastard who thinks everyone should bow down to him. Since moving back home I have done my best to buy all my own stuff, all my toiletries, food, gas (despite my car mostly being used for my parents errands), stuff for my cats to make their lives easier. I have loaned my parents money many times and even bought their food and stuff, never once saying you owe me now. I have had to put all my shower stuff/toiletries into a caddy and carry them from bedroom to shower because if I do not take my stuff out of the bathroom, the ass will use it. Go out of his way to use my toothpaste, razor, shampoos and face wash. My food, the special food that I have to buy because of my food "allergies", I have to hide. If I do not, he will eat it, then deny it. If I say anything about it, he will throw whatever he can in my face, we buy the rest of your food, we don't charge you rent, if I can't eat your food you can't eat mine. Aren't parents supposed to be there for their kids during hard times? It's not like I don't do anything in the house. I am his damn slave. 25 and can't go out with my friends sometimes because he is mad and I will get in trouble when I come home. My one big, "grown up" possession I did not leave in la was my couch. I love it. I have offered for the family to use it if they were careful not to ruin it. My mom said no and it is back out of the way in the living room. It is a little sectional with big comfy cushions and instead of cushions for your back, big comfy pillows. Yes, i love it. lol. Asshole spends his day watching tv. He is so damn lazy and fat that, sitting in his chair he squishes the cushion down to nothing. To compensate he puts pillows on the chair before sitting. I find out today that the fat ass is taking the pillow cushions from my couch and sitting on them, squishing them to pancakes. Must he ruin everything? His logic, well you did not take care of our stuff when you were growing up so why should I take care of yours. I was not at all destructive a a kid!!!! I work my ass off for him, cleaning and taking care of his stuff and this is how he pays me back. I am so frustrated I want to cry. I know it is dumb, but that couch means a lot to me and it kills me to see it get ruined. I proceed to hide all the pillows, stating that I was going to look into getting them cleaned. That is a lie, I can hardly afford to by food these days. Let the yelling begin. I am now in trouble. For trying to preserve my own things.

Just needed to rant. I am miserable and seriously considering moving out and living in shelters to get away, I would be happier that way. Sad huh? Arggg. I hope this all doesnt sound like I am some superficial dolt who can't be happy with her circumstances and whines about every little thing that goes wrong in life. I am really the opposite, I promise. *sigh* I do know how to be happy, it just is not possible with the ass around. He sees to that.