March 6, 2011

• What to blog about? Work has been pretty good. Had a visit with my district manager, was a bit stressed but the visit went well. I havent been on my computer for some time because I have been working a lot and have also moved my room to an outside room in the back yard. I am excited about the extra privacy.

  I had a huge fight with my dad this past week. He accused me of many things, then tried to add in that I never talked to him or came seeking his opinion. I finally got pissed and fought back, I told him why I never talked to him. I told him the last time I went looking for his opinion he spent 3 hours dashing my hopes and dreams. He said he didn’t believe me even as the tears of hurt and pain were streaming down my face. I yelled at him some more then cried and cried. He finally gave up, tried to apologize and made excuses. When the conversation was over he asked for a hug. I told him no. I have only spoken to him once since then. It is nice to not have to be nice or cordial or actually talk to him and now, he knows why.

  My father also insisted that I get rid of my kids. The impression was, give away the cats or move out. I am devastated. I need to find an amazing home for them where they can stay together and be taken care of. I am so worried. =’( Not sure what to do.

  The relationship between Jacques and me is still evolving. Yes, I revealed his name. I love his name, it is not his real name but has been a nickname since elementary. Still it is who he is. Anyways, my last trip was quite different than the usual. There was much more intimacy, much more kissing than usual, and while we still had long lunches and movie dates we spent time in the hotel just…hanging out, talking, laughing and relaxing. During our hotel talk he slipped in that “I just don’t know what is going to happen with her long term”. I just don’t know where this is going. There are more and more little things he does to suggest he has feelings…We still talk every day. He comes to me when he has had a bad day, he talks to me when he is stressed. Tonight we were taking, one of our happy fun conversations. Then he slips in a “we need you to move here dont we” I said yes, we really do. “I have to find you a job and place to live asap…i need to be in you all the time.” Yes you do I said. “Aside from the mind blowing great sex…i just like u being around…your a great person and a lot of fun.” I did not know what to say, so I just said Thanks, ditto…a bit later he replied to one of my texts saying, “u are always hot” trying to get better at accepting compliments I just said =D thanks! He said “No…thank you and your hotness” I put lol and he said “this is one of the few times I am serious” “you really are hot sexy and fun”. My friend was with me while we were texting, she told me my whole demeanor changes when I talk to him, I get happy and smile more. She read the whole convo as it happened, she things he has feelings too. I do not know what to think or feel. He opened the door for me to offer my feelings up, i did, in a way, my way where I cant get hurt. I think he has an idea about how I feel now. He hasn’t backed off. There is a good chance I will be going for another visit on tuesday. We will see. 

  Life has been a bit interesting. I have had my good times and bad times lately. My heart so is full of love for Jacques, broken over my kids(cats) and healing from my past. Talk about being pulled in all different directions.

   

  • 2:45 AM
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