January 8, 2011
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Guilty
I do, really stupid fucking things...i need to be smacked or something...
You feel good because he is attracted to you (first to express it after being alone for so long), you were always very attracted to him...Ok almost half in love with for years...
He was a friend, a business partner. He is a wonderful guy. He has a fiancé/wife (unknown exactly) who I know and like, and 2 kids.
"I miss working with you and you being around"
He started it, he is ultimately responsible....I try to convince myself with lies
Now, I feel like a bit of a whore and we weren't even in the same state.
What does he think if me now, how will the friendship continue from here on out?
I am a horrible, terrible person...I deserve nothing good
The worst part? If he said he was in town next week and wanted to meet up, I'd probably go...
Yup, please feel free to shoot me now
Comments (5)
I'm not much for judging people. Don't be so hard on yourself.
@C_L_O_G - I deserve to be judged and, I really don't feel like I am being too hard on myself, I should be harder actually for being a complete dumbass... Lol
Hi Jen, I am new to your Xanga site and read some of your prior posts. I can tell you feel bad about yourself with all of the depreciating statements. I have a low opinion of myself and it has caused me a few troubles in life.
However, I read your profile, some of your postings and I was wondering why you have such a low opinion of yourself. I think many people have ended up in 'affairs.' Most die a natural death and people just move on.
I just think you are a much more attractive and intelligent woman than you give credit. It might me nice to take a time out from life and just think things over--like what would you really like to do with your life.
I am 77, married 55 years, have 3 kids and I am very fortunate. It did not happen because of how nice I was. It happened in spite of me--wish I knew why. I did read lots of books on motivation and goal setting. I always had short term and long term goals. Now I am just wandering through life--we have our 97 year old MIL living with us and responsible for her 94 year old sister in a Alzheimer care center. My time is full, but I really do need some goals.
I sure hope you can find yourself some happiness and self-forgiveness. We all screw up from time to time.
Take care of yourself,
frank
@ANVRSADDAY - I am very hard on myself. Especially when I know I am doing something stupid and continue doing so. When I am not perfect. I beat myself up over it. I am learning to like myself, but have not for many years. Most of my life actually. Feel free to read all the previous posts you want, there are posts in there somewhere that shine light on why I dislike myself so. A lot stems from deep depression since elementary school, my first sexual encounter and mental/emotional abuse as a child. This is no excuse though.
I haven't had much time lately to figure out what I want. I plan to attempt this this weekend. The only thing i know i want is to go back to living in LA. Just need to find a job that pays enough to afford it. lol
The self forgiveness, I am working on. =)
@walking_a_long_lonely_road - Thanks for sharing. I think you and I have one similar thing that only a few people understand--our prior abuse and abusers caused us to react in a way in life that was not beneficial to us---I finally got some counseling at age 40. I am still struggling with some of the old thought patterns.
Wishing you the best. As I have time, I will read more of your prior postings.
frank
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