July 3, 2010
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Looking Back
You are 15, despite what you may think you are beautiful and, you are not fat. Really. You know that boy you like? Well he is way too immature to love you the way you deserve. Forget him and don't let him hurt you anymore. What you really need to do, is learn to love yourself. Be honest with your mom, tell her about your inner pain, despite her troubles she will help you. Your dad is going to cause big problems any day now. Stay strong for your family and when he tries to lecture you, don't listen. He does not know what he is talking about! Follow your heart.
20? Already? Oh how time flies. You moved to LA to go to school right?? Then why aren't you going?? Go to school, start your life. Also, you still haven't got help. Will you do it now? Please, you need it. He wants you to also. Don't be afraid, he is there for you, he loves you. You need to help to understand that it was not your fault. The pain has festered for three years and is really effecting your life. Oh and go to a doctor right away and regularly. Catching the problem early will save the love he feels for you. Because soon you will be a little off your rocker. It makes life really hard for the two of you. You do not need a baby right now, and you should wait a few more years before you talk marriage. If he is the one, you can wait, you are just being insecure. Fear is effecting your whole life. Use them ovaries, stop being afraid and jump out into the unknown.
You have matured so much so fast. Life is going well...right? You are only 24 and are dreaming big but fear still runs your choices. You feel it, you see it, but you are blind. You are unhappy because you feel the gap, the distance. You are desperate to save something from the past. You don't follow your gut and leave. You are afraid that no one else will ever love you, you are settling for broken relationship because you don't think you deserve anything better. You are terrified to leave because of how much you love him and because if he could just get the love back you two would have a "perfect" life. Open your eyes, the love is gone and you can not bring it back for him, he doesn't want to try. You are living your life to work and pay the bills. You don't have fun anymore and your depression is worse. You are not living, you are coasting.
Looking back what I have I learned? Fear runs my life. All the big decisions in my life were influenced by fear. In a way they still are. I never got professional help because of fear. I never lived for myself but for others. Well I am finally ready. After wasting so much time, I am ready. I am working for myself now. I'll get there. And I promise the second I can pay for it, I will be getting that help. That is a promise.
Comments (12)
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Great entry and I'm glad you feel ready to move forward. - Best of luck to you
Hang in there and suck the marrow out of life. We only get to do this once!
Good for you! You recognized what isn't working for you, and you're determined to change it!
Wow ... I could have written a lot of what you wrote to your 24-year-old self. I hope you do get the help and that you're able to push through your fears. Looking back, the most worthwhile things I have ever done in my life came with a hefty dose of anxiety. In the end, all of those experiences were worth slogging through the fear.
Thank you for sharing this!
You seem determined to take that first step. Once you do that, half the battle is won.
@Chatamanda - @jo63psalm - I am, thank you!
@CynaraJane - I keep trying to remember that! That is why I still haven't totally given up!
@poisonedbyfairytales - @dsullivan - You are right! Thank You. =)
FEAR = False Expectations About Reality.... Hope you turn your fears into victories.
slightly enigmatic at first, but I liked it. Writing can work as healing and learning sometimes, eh?
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I am glad you were able to see what needs to be fixed and are prepared to do so. I have a hard time looking at myself objectively.
Great! It takes a lot of courage to recognize our fears and to even begin to take the first steps. But once you've done that, everything will start getting easier.
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