June 2, 2009
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My Dad is having a hip replacement surgery on Friday. Lets be honest here, with his health (EKG shows a heart attack), his weight, and the fact that he's a smoker and heavy drinker (well not so heavy anymore because the hard core pain pills), there is a possibility he could die. Yeah maybe I'm over dramatizing it, but still...no surgery is ever "routine".
So here is my problems. I'm not too sure how I feel about the death thing because of the past, would I be a teeny bit relieved? Would I be upset because I still haven't decided if I want to tell him what his temper tantrums and belief that my career of choice was not a good one did to me, and I might not get the chance. My mom deserves better. I mean how much can he truly love my mom, she used to have muscle and back problems, she would get so sick and be in so much pain that she could not move for days...what did he do? Get mad and yelled, telling her that she is just tired of cooking and taking care of the house all while shaking her in the bed as she cried in pain. How can you love someone and do that? Oh I hated him for that one.
I am going back home for a while so I can help my mom out while she takes care of him. I have 3 menu sets due in the few weeks, two of them are big(for us) studio titles. So I am stressed and frustrated, so I sit and think why do I have to drop everything and go out of my way for him when he never did that for us growing up? Then I feel bad and selfish. I'm only doing it for my mom. So there is a chance I have to give the titles up =(. Plus when I get home my house will be dead...and the cats will probably be swimming in their litter.
I think I would be sad if he died, but I wonder if I'd be sad only because my chance to have that dream father-daughter relationship is gone?
Ok I'll stop being morbid now, I just had to address all this and get my thoughts out, it's easier to do it here.
Comments (4)
There is no shame in what you feel, none. To me the real question isn't whether you need to confront him with your pain and anger, it's whether it's because you need this, or if it's to punish him in some way?
Will you be better off if you let the anger and pain go, or if you return it to him?
Only you can make that choice.
ditto the above.
i do think you are taking a mature look at the possibility that he may not survive this given all his conditions.
you do have to think about you first because with out you, your mom wont have anyone and who will care for you?
get the cats a bigger box or two. lol or teach chris how to clean them. lol
i would not give up the titles as this can help you later on and poss. more work. if ya blow them off, you risk no work in the future.
@WalkingaNewPath - Thank You, you've made me feel a bit better about my feelings. It's not so much to punish him, for me it's more, I want you to understand why I don't treat you the way I treat mom. Because yes, he is jealous of that. Like my mom says you are responsible for your own relationship with your kids. The fear of putting my hurt on him and being overly brutal is one of my reasons for not telling him. You always put things in perspective for me. <3
@buddy71 - Thank you also, unfortunately had to give up one title, we are still doing the project, we just hired an outside artist to do the graphics. The client won't know the difference. I'd rather give my part up than chance outputting something bad and losing the client. Chris said if I leave the cats he is going to go buy one of those auto cleaning litter boxes lol.
@walking_a_long_lonely_road - maybe you should teach the cats to use the bathroom and to flush. lol
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