Yes, I am still listening to Lady Antebellum, hey it's a damn good cd!
Anyways. Work has been good and busy, we are just finishing up on my first studio title where I actually did the graphics. =D I'm excited. We've got another one coming here soon, maybe I'll do that one too??
I'm feeling better, now all that is left is a bunch of sinus pressure and a plugged ear. Grrr I'm half deaf.
For some random reason I laid in bed last night creating baby names...lol don't ask me why. I am currently liking Jaslynn and Cayden...yes I like y's and no, you can't take my names til I say you can! =)
I sat last night and watched my favorite late 80's teen cult movie...that made me happy...yay netflix. We also rented Bolt so thats tonight I'm thinking.
Really I think thats about all thats going on.
Lyrics stuck in my head all this week:
"What about the plans that you left behind The little white house by the railway line The one we picked out We even put the payment down What about the promise that you made To stay with me till your dying day Said you’d never go away Are they just things that people say"
<3
One thing I hate about L.A. it made me hate driving. I used to love to drive. To just put my top down, turn my music up and go, unrestricted by traffic and crowds. Yes yes I do miss that. It was so peaceful for me.
I was supposed to go home for the weekend. Being sick and not having enough energy to make the trip stopped me. That made me sad. Maybe I'll go next weekend.
On the positive side, I am feeling much better today, it could be temporary, but for the moment I am good to go. Chris was good about letting me get as much sleep as I needed this week so I could recover.
I am also happy because despite my illness I was able to get most all my work done. Just some polishing on the menus for the movie client we have, and some quick menus animations for some other menus left and then I'm done..plus the first is due Mon. and the second is due Wed. so I can take my time. Yay
"I should’ve been chasing you I should’ve been trying to prove That you were all that mattered to me I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me And maybe I could’ve made you believe That what we had was all we’d ever need"
My love hate relationship with Vicks Vaporub...I love it because it gives me a chance to breathe a little...I hate it because my chest feels all greasy and gross...
Yes this is all that is on my mind at the moment. As I've said many times, I don't do sick well, especially cold sick. I hate it.
Work got really busy just as I got sick, so I am staying up all night working and dying the whole time because I'm miserable...and greasy...I want to shower again, and then sleep.
This blog has no meaning, read the one below it, it has a little more depth...lol
Hope everyone else is doing well.
<3
Warning: excerpts from old posts ahead...
I think I was a better writer back then...oh well. These were back from when I used everything that was happening in my life as an excuse as to why I was depressed. I concentrated on the wrong things, but my feelings about life were real. I think the last one is my favorite, I explained my feelings so well...I still feel that way often, except I know I can only save myself. And don't worry now that I'm older I am no longer running, I know why I am depressed and am working on it.
I stayed up late, thinking and listening to the music that pulls at my heart. I woke this afternoon with thoughts of him in my head. It was because of the wind, I could hear it's russell as I lay in bed...and I wanted him to be there...I wish it would rain again. It brings a silence within me...I just stand in it, and think....
I dream of what I cannot have...but for some unknown reason...I keep the hope that plagues me...
Why do I do this to myself? I hurt, and I want so bad to take a razor to my arm and cry. Its like an urge, my wrists itch for release...I'll hold myself back, sleeping usually helps...but I cant sleep...
Ya know I was reading something yesterday that made me think...what would it be like to jump off an incredibly high building, or a cliff or something? Like flying in your last moments of life...what would I think? What does anybody who jumps think? Would I become one of those sad legendary ghosts who is forced to repeat their death every year for all eternity? Would my death even be that tragic?
This is one of those days where I wish I was incredibly rich so that I could have a studio/darkroom of my own, fully loaded with everything my imagination craves...
but yet I have that fear underneath everything, that ill pick up my paint brush/pencil/camera and have nothing...see nothing...be lost again...
I'm afraid I wont be good, I wont fulfill my own standards...I expect so much of myself...I know I'm my own worst critic...
I feel like I'm in another dimension, just me, and I can look out and see the rest of the world, happy, content, and full of life. and I want so bad to join them, to be happy, and loved, wanted, needed. to know what it is I'm supposed to do, to have friends....to smile and laugh because I mean it, not because everyone else did...to live...I want it so bad, but my side is locked, the key, no where to be found. perhaps someone on the other side has that key, maybe someone will eventually save me...
When I was young I loved music just as much as I do now. Over the last few years I have been searching for the artists and albums of songs that I loved back in the day. Have you ever noticed that you love a song as a kid then grow up and actually listen to the lyrics and what the song is about, and love it even more? Or maybe you like it less. Anyways. I spent today organizing the bedroom, doing laundry, and listening to my music. One song I loved as a kid always gets me thinking, I've decided to put those thoughts on paper...so to speak.
Have you ever been in a situation / fight / conversation and walked away thinking well that went wrong, if only I'd said this or that. Or have you ever thought about what you would say to someone who wronged you in the past if you were to run into them again? Maybe visa versa, you wronged them, maybe you already have run into them, did you say what you wanted to?
I have two instances that I always think of. One, in high school there was this girl who I'd know since 5th grade. We were friends but when we hit high school she was awkward and the group we hung out in didn't like her. I was so insecure with myself that when the other girls ganged up on her and wrote stuff about her in a book I joined in. Oh man I hate myself for that. Especially because she found the book. Oh I felt so bad because I didn't mean what I wrote. Granted the girl who started it all had been friends with her longer, but still. It was so wrong. This was at the end of the school year, and she transferred to another school the next year. After high school I was working in the next town over and she used to go to the pizza place next door. Oh how I wanted to run out there and apologize and gravel....but I didn't, I was still so insecure, and I was in charge of the front desk...by the time it was slow she'd be gone. I've been thinking about looking her up and saying I know it was forever ago, but I'm so sorry!
While working for the same company but at a different store there was this customer, he looked exactly like the guy who raped me. It was amazing and terrifying how much he looked like him. The first time he ever came in I took his name and ran to the back and freaked out, had a hard time breathing on the verge of tears, panicking and all that stuff. I was right there again reliving it ya know? This was my worst nightmare of course. The guy lived like 6 hours away, I didn't ever think that I would have to see him again. I hated the fact that in my head, the idea of running into him just collapsed me. I didn't want to appear weak. There have been many times that I have thought about what would happen if I ran into him. The anger in me makes me want to yell "you took my virginity you bastard", (I had to censor my quote because it wouldn't be so nice). I want to hit and yell and beat him. Then a part of me knows that Chris wants to kill him for what he did to me (he wouldn't actually kill him....but close), and another part of me knows that how I reacted to the guy at work is a big possibility I would look down and get outh of there asap only to know he won. Sometimes I want to run into him to tell him what he did to me. Tell him how he hurt me and I still haven't managed to get away from it. Part of me wants to know what would happen, the other part is still scared.
"Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin' Eye to eye finally has arrived But bad as it was, well little sister wasn't it better Dealin' with him face to face 'Cause it'll never go away Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced"
So I guess this post is about closure? Maybe by thinking about what you'd say to someone who wronged you is your mind trying to make some kind of closure? I don't know but I just find times where I think this, this is what I would do. I would have all the right words and make the right decisions. But we all know you don't really know what you'd do until your in the situation.
Well now, I don't think my post went where I planned for it to go, but it will do.
<3
Apparently I am on a xanga hiatus. It seems these days I have gone into myself. I spend my days doing my work, and reading. I'm blowing through my books. I think my book choice reflects my mood. The Vampire Chronicles, Mmm real vampire stories. Anyways. I've been a bit stressed. I'm a planner, I need to know what is going on, and have a good sense of what will happen. Chris not having a job and the unknowns of the future stress me out. I used to pay all the bills weeks before they were due at the first of the month. Now I pay them days before they are due and stagger them throughout the month. Ugh that stresses me. We still have money and are fine, but who knows how I will go about paying the bills at the end of next month. I don't know when we have checks coming. So I read. Many hours of cheap entertainement. When my mind is no longer blank and when I feel like I have something to say I will be back, I miss my xanga people.
<3
I don't do sick well. Sick = no fun and feeling like crap. My mom has it too so we are feeling the same. At least she's happy to know she isn't the only one to be sleeping all day. I wanna post, I really do, but my energy level is zero right now. I've been trying to keep up with everything but I'm not doing a very good job at it. I will work on getting better and gracing you all with my presence at a later date. =)
Here is the story of Romeo, my gay cat. (see disclaimer at bottom)
In my life Romeo does not love or want Juliet. He loves wants Mercutio.
It all started the night Romeo got sick. He was vomiting very badly, and by the end of the night had probably vomited somewhere between 15 and 20 times. That's not good. For fear of it continuing I took his food away because he kept eating but gave him a huge bowl of water to stop any dehydration. The next morning I called the vet and was like wtf? They had me bring him in asap even though the vomiting had stopped and he was eating like a horse.
In the midst of his check up Romeo kept purring (it probably didn't help that I kept petting him to keep him still). He purrs very loudly. The vet could not hear his heart beat so she said "I'll be able to get a good listen when I take his temp because he won't like that." We all know how you take a cat's temp right? Well the vet sticks the thermometer where it needs to be and attempts to listen to his heart. All I hear is.."..Hmmmm....he's...still purring..."
Hahaha this is when I realized my cat was gay.
Romeo is in love with Chris. He lays on him and if he can't get in his lap he will lay on the side of Chris with a paw over Chris's arm. When ever I get off the couch Romeo runs up, takes my seat and cuddles in with Chris. Romeo ignores me but listens to Chris. When Romeo is getting into something he's not supposed to and we squirt him with the water bottle, you have to squirt his head because if you squirt his butt he just sits there, not moving.
And the final proof, Sunday night Chris left his clothes on the bathroom floor. When we woke up the next morning we went into the hallway only to find that Romeo had taken Chris's underwears into his bed. LOL Ewww.
As I was telling my mom these stories last night she was dying of laughter. I figured I'd share them because they really are funny. Maybe they are funnier when I actually tell them in person. But bleh. Chris will forever be teased by my family now.
disclaimer: Please no one take offense. I am not gay bashing. Many of my best friends from high school are gay. I love gay men and women. This post if meant to be funny, and maybe a little truthful, you decide on that one? Chris is not gay and has no problem with gay individuals. The underwears were soaked in bleach. Also no cat was harmed in the telling of these stories. The vet visit proved Romeo to be in perfect health. The vomiting is still a mystery...
I don't like my Father's side of the family all that much (excluding My Uncle Al) they are all stubborn and selfish and petty. On the other side I love my Mother's side of the family, they are wonderful peoples. I am excited because we are doing a joint 90th birthday party for my Grandma / family reunion at my parents house next weekend. A house full of family makes me very happy! I'm ready for good times.
This is the kind of stuff my family gets into while we're together we're . Yup I'm excited.
I am a generally nice person, I say generally because I am human, I get frustrated. See people who take their bad moods and frustration on innocent people, or people they don't even know, really bug me. Maybe cuz my dad is that way? I say nothing or let the object of my frustration know. This is why I can call myself a nice person.
You know how you can prove America is generally lazy? Store parking lots with baskets everywhere. I take my basket back to the front of the store or to the basket parking spot closest between the store and our parking spot. Have you ever seen a basket collection spot and two spaces away is and empty parking spot with baskets sitting in it? That bugs me beacuse it's just lazy. Come on it's two spaces away!
I could feel it from the start, Couldn't stand to be apart. Something about you caught my eye, Something moved me deep inside! Don't know what you did boy but You had it and I've been hooked ever since. I told my mother, my brother, my sister and my friends I told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense. Everytime I see you everything starts making sense.
Ain't no other man, can stand up next to you Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do (what you do). You're the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. You got smarts, you got jokes. You got skills with your bad ass - oh yeah! Ain't no other man its true - all right - Ain't no other man but you.
(hehe)
Never thought I'd be all right. No, no, no! Till you came and changed my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah! What was cloudy now is clear! Yeah, yeah! You're the light that I needed. You got what I want boy, and I want it! So keep on givin' it up!
Tell your mother, your brother, your sister, and your friends. And the others, your lovers, better not be present tense. Cause I want everyone to know that you are mine and no one else's!
Oooooooo, oh!
Ain't no other man, can stand up next to you Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do (what you do). You're the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. You got smarts, you got jokes. You got skills with your bad ass - oh yeah! Ain't no other man it's true - all right - Ain't no other man but you.
Break it down now!
Ain't no other, ain't, ain't no other! (other) Ain't no other, ain't, ain't no other LOVER! Ain't no other, I, I, I need no other! Ain't no other man but you!
Ohhhh!
You are there when I'm a mess Talk me down from every ledge Give me strength, boy you're the best You're the only one who's ever passed every test
Ain't no other man, can stand up next to you Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do (what you do). You're the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. (You're the kinda guy, a girl finds oooo yeahh) You got smarts, you got jokes. You got skills with your bad ass - oh yeah! Ain't no other man it's true - all right - Ain't no other man but you.
lyrics from Christina Aguilera "Ain't No Other Man"
You got soul, you got class. You got style with your bad ass - oh yeah!
changed to
You got smarts, you got jokes. You got skills with your bad ass - oh yeah!
just cuz it fit Chris better..I love him but he has no style and has no idea what soul is lol he's a dork.
. Yup I'm excited.
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