Life seems pretty surreal. I'm mostly settled at my parents house. I spend my days fighting the my natural urge to call and see how his day is going and what the updates on work are then trying to stay busy because I can't. Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I've done. Before I left I tapped his temple and said "Fix what is up there because I want to come home."

I miss him. So much. I'm just as miserable here as at home. Now I just can't talk to him. Is it ever gonna get better? I'm tired of hurting. I want to go home. I pray this is not permanent.

I'm 24, in a few hours I will be headed out to go live with my parents for a month or possibly a year...

Chris doesn't know what he wants out of life, out of our relationship, and he doesn't know if he is capable of love...he doesn't know if he loves me.

I'm going away so he can have time to figure things out. I can't sit at home dying inside while he thinks...he doesn't talk when he is thinking, and staying here will be miserable for me.

I don't want to go, I don't want this to end. I don't want to get a call in a month saying you should just come get the rest of your stuff. My life is on tilt and I don't like where it is going. This is the man I was going to marry. I was the happiest woman ever just 2/3 months ago.

What went wrong?

Chris and I are barely talking. I don't know what happened. Two months ago he was heavily considering proposing and talking about having kids in a year. Now he doesn't know what he wants (again). It started a few days after we got back from Vegas. He slowly distanced himself from me we spend most of the day in different rooms, when we are in the same room talk is usually about work and how he is feeling (he was feeling sick for awhile). He says I did nothing wrong, and I am assuming this is another one of his "mid-life" crises again but I don't know. The only time I see him smile is when he is texting his friends. I haven't left the house in almost two weeks. He takes the car for work and errands and I stay at home. The house is horribly silent and I am dying inside.

I don't know what to do. I've backed off hoping to let him work over his issue. I've asked him to talk to his friend who might help. I am so lonely, I cry at least once a day because I don't know if one day he is going to up and ask me to move back in with my parents. He is the one I want to marry and grow old with and it's breaking my heart not knowing what is going on. I am so horribly depressed. I just want to sleep. =(

Today, not such a good day. I don't even know if I wanna blog about my issues because I don't know if I have any words.

I'm broken. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm everything and nothing, and for the first time in a very very long time I have to wear a rubber band on my wrist. I'm listening to upbeat music to help my mind change stations...is it working? I don't know.

I've been blah, super blah, so lately I've been hiding behind my computer screen working. Eh I'll get over it. =)

Our vegas trip was great. Our hotel room was about as big as our first apartment full kitchen and everything. Just cooking ourselves one meal a day saved a bundle! We stayed on budget, broke even gambling wise, and bought our first little bit of property. Ok just a timeshare, but we got an amazing package and price. We will use it to send clients on trips for awhile, that way we can get more work, and we will rent out a week so we can pay it off early. You could say all is good.

YAY!!! Off to Vegas tomorrow morning.

Funny that we just got like 3 or 4 projects that are starting this week and both our partner, Chris and I are all going out of town Mon or Tue...Thanks for the work!! We'll see you next week!! LOL

I'm taking the laptop so I might be by to visit while we are gone.

<3

Facebook has eaten my head. This makes me a little sad, but I'm addicted to their stupid little games.  Plus I can keep in touch with family better. Whats really cool, about half my friend on there are Chris's family! That makes me feel a little special. Yay they like me, they really like me. Lol.

So that is part of the reason I have been away from here more and more, well that and the fact that I don't know what to write that isn't me venting. haha. I've been really stressed lately so my mind just shuts down.

Despite lots of money issues we are still going to Vegas next week, we'd already committed. I've budgeted though and I think things will be okay.

Chris said he was going to buy a ring with that big check we got, now he can't because we have a huge tax debt. I told him I don't care how much he spends on a ring, so long as it doesn't turn my finger green...and is pretty, I'm simple. He said of all the things in his life this is one of them he wants to do right. Grrr. Ok I respect that. We were also in talks as to when to start a family...but thats on hold too. Damn you government!

I guess you can say everything is back to normal. Haha oh what a sense of humor I have.

Ok another lame post (two in one day...whoa!) but I am again super excited...

This here is a best buy ad:

Right there on the bottom...

yeah those four DVD/Blu-ray titles...??

Those are the projects that Chris and I worked on. They are the ones we just got that big ol' check from. We have never had a project make it into an add like that. I again I am lame, but yay! It is an exhilarating feeling...those menus, I did. Yes they aren't great (in my eyes, I'm hard on myself), yes they are low budget horror flicks...but so what that is my work that lots of people are gonna see.

The Children is the best of them all, creepy. Seventh Moon was too creepy for me to finish but looked ok. The Thaw was watchable but not all that scary. Offspring is just gross, and the screen play wasn't that well written or executed...but seems to have a fan following.

So...if you are in to b side "horror" flicks check em' out. The more that sell the better chance we get of getting more work. They come out tomorrow. Oct 6th.

Yay!

So...I've been planning to write something concrete here, something other than boring, blah, updates on my life. Oh well I will soon...

My reason for the blog tonight?? I am super excited. -We got our really big check, the bank is holding it though. . We get $5000 of it on Tuesday..and the rest on the 14th. Next time I am going to request a bunch of $4000 checks so this won't happen again.- Anyways back to the excitement...we have started planning our Vegas trip! It will be our 5 year anniversary vacay, and as a late birthday present Chris' mom is setting us up in the Hilton Las Vegas! His birthday is Tuesday, our anniversary is the 31st. The last time I was in Vegas was 3rd, 4th grade? And we stayed....in a trailer park. HAHAHA. Chris said we were hicks. Well, we were visiting my Uncle and he lived in a trailer, so what lol. We only hit one casino on the way out of town, I hardly remember the strip. So yes I am dorky excited. We're just gonna see the sights, try to catch some shows, and do a tiny bit of gambling.  But still. Yay.

:End lame personal life update blog:

We are currently in the process of changing our schedule around....for the last few years I've gone to bed anywhere between 2am and 8am. Last night...we were in bed at midnight!! Haha sounds stupid to put all the exclamation points after that...but you have to understand how incredible weird it was for me. I kept telling Chris...I'm not supposed to go to bed right now, I'm supposed to be up for at least 3 more hours!! Its 9:30am and I haven't just gone to sleep...I've gotten 8 hours of sleep and am ready to have a full-regular person day! Lol. It's weird, and I'm a dork. But it's ok. =D