So I was right. He is considering starting some kind of relationship with that girl. He is holding back because she lives in Minnesota or something like that and he's not into that much of a long distance thing. Not even 2 weeks after we break up. I think he even took her out on a date last Tuesday, 3 days after it was over. How could he do that? How can he jump from a perfect (apparently not so perfect) 5 year relationship to the next girl so fast? I am just shocked that he is being someone so different from who he really is. I can tell I am hitting the angry stage. I am still so hurt, and knowing this hurts more, but I am really pissed and am starting to really hate him! I don't loose my temper, I am good at keeping it in check, but my Irish/Italian is starting to come out. I told him she must be desperate, she's wanted him for 5 years, now is her chance but she's just gonna be the rebound. She is either desperate or doesn't think very much of herself, plus how disrespectful to me and him. She planned this from the moment she found out we were having problems. I don't trust women, I hate women. Well women like that. Grrr. I just want to yell and scream and tell him FUCK YOU! I won't, I am better than that and I still have to work with him but man I am pissed. Lol.

I am mostly upset (pissed) and hurt because he is moving on, like we didn't have a meaningful 5 year relationship, so fast. I hate him. I love him. Right now I hate him more. I am just ready to move forward and get this mourning/grieving/broken hearted process over with so I can be myself again.

Anger is good motivation huh?

End of pissed off rant. My apologies.

It's starting to feel real. My depression is worsening, and I hurt. I hurt oh so badly. I'm not doing so well at pretending like everything is okay anymore. So I'm always feeling bad for bringing others down. He's not acting like himself anymore, he is a completely different person, I fear he will be walking into another relationship here soon. I am so broken and he seems perfectly fine. That hurts too, so so bad. I'll be going to get my stuff soon, I don't want to but I can't put it off much longer.

I just want to be happy again.

It hurts.

No Christmas miracles this year...

Why am I still holding onto hope? Hope that maybe someday soon things will change back to the way they were.

Hope is no help to me now.

Merry Christmas to all.

It is over. I heard those words tonight.

It is all over. I am alone, single. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, and an entire family in one night.

I really have no other words.

It is over.

I am starting to remember why I wanted out of my parents house so badly. My father is an ass. He acts like I owe him something for being my father. Like it was my choice. It is not as if I don't feel bad enough living here, having no money and having to rely on them again. The job market here is practically non-existent. Plus what is the point of getting a job when there is a small chance I might be going home? I am looking into my options though...it's not like I'm sitting here being lazy and doing nothing. That is his job. I can't believe he is such an ass to me because of all this. Does he not remember that I am the one child who actually does everything I can to help them? Was I not the one who made "Christmas" possible last year? Who spent the longest time here after his surgery, staying up working in the dining room, only to get woken up every few hours to help him, then stay up all day to help with the kids and house? It's not enough, it seems I still owe him for my life. Like I wasn't paying every time he told me I was not good enough for anything. No wonder I am taking anti-depressants. I need them just to live here.

Sorry for the pissed off venting. I am just so tired of how he talks down to me like I am nothing. Like I am an inconvenience. This just gives me more reason to pray that things work out between Chris and me. What has happened to my life? I feel like I am in the same position I was in at 19, only I was better off then!

I miss Chris, home, LA, and privacy.

Went walking around tonight. Took some pics. I'll have been here two weeks on Wednesday. Like I told my Aunt, I'm just waiting for the call..."come home", or "we need to talk". My mom told me she got super pissed about that. =( My whole family went from loving Chris and thinking he was the best to disliking him. It makes me kind of sad. We haven't talked about our relationship since the night I freaked out about the lie I caught him in. I've given him space. I don't know if it is helping. After all this I still want to go home. I still want things to work out. I'll just sit here and keep waiting, not much else to do at the moment.

Well hope the pics are ok. =)

A scaled replica of my parents house that my Uncle made years ago. It's a birdhouse. =)

It is amazing what a day without the anti depressant in my system is like. Today I was so depressed, worried, slightly panicky...many other emotions similar to those. While on them I am so much more calm. I was worried about Chris today and thought the worst all day. How can he be okay without me when I am not okay without him? I moped all day, couldn't get going...depressed. It was horrible. I don't like it. My mom saw me starting to break down again tonight and practically threw a pill into my hand. (Man I sound like a druggie huh? =/ I guess my mom in my dealer...?) Since I have no money and no income we are going to go on monday and see about getting me on medical just so I can get myself checked out and possibly my own prescription for my depression and new found panic attacks. I know I've needed it for awhile, but after taking one and knowing how much more clear my mind is, knowing how calm and happy I can feel, I am ready to get it done. I feel normal again...well as normal as I can feel in my situation.

What do you do when your world comes crashing down in front of you? It feels like my life is over. Not in the sense that I'm gonna go kill myself or anything. I just...have to start over. My whole life over again.

Chris has not broke up with me yet, but I know it is coming. It might not, but if I hold onto hope I will be crushed...again.

First off, Chris has been talking to the girl (from the lie in my last post) non stop since yesterday or the day before...like through the night non stop...I fear there will be something between them before long. At least on her part. And I do not trust women.

Second...I was checking his email for work updates. I do this often because there are important emails that do not get forwarded to me to keep the clients from bugging me about stuff I do not know the answers to. So there was an email asking about the assets that I am in possession of. I saw he responded and I needed to know if I should send them. I went to read the sent email...without quoting the whole thing it said.

"The assets you are talking about Jen has. If you want to ask her for them go ahead. Had a talk with my cousin as well. As a result, I might be pulling the plug here soon."

He sent that to our friend/business partner. Apparently he (business partner) was rooting for me. His cousin probably just told Chris the what he felt, I know he didn't say bad things about me he likes me. But I know he didn't lie or tell Chris he should stay with me. If anything he probably said if you are gonna keep screwing with her head you should just let her go.

Needless to say I panicked, if he does break up with me, what a way to find out right?? That is not at all what I expected to see, I was just checking on our business's work. My mom gave me another anti-depressant, because I was so upset/devastated/panicking etc. It calmed me down and has helped me cope today. I did not sleep well last night. I just don't know what to do. End of Sept he was "seriously considering proposing". Now it over?

I am about to lose the love of me life and everything we have built together. I cannot stop it, I just have to sit and wait for it to come. If there was anything in the world I could do to go back to the end of the summer, anything I could do to fix this, I would do it in a heartbeat. For once in my life I was the luckiest girl in the world, in the best relationship ever, with my best friend and now it is all being taken away.

Why?

I   AM   SO   FRUSTRATED.

Maybe I will write about it, maybe I won't. I haven't decided. As you may have guessed it is Chris. I caught him in a lie that makes him look guilty of cheating. He is not, I know that, that is not the type of man he is (you can all doubt me if you want but this is something I do know). I am just sleep deprived, emotional, and insecure so the lie made my reaction bad.

Men: you can't live without em and you can't kill em.

I haven't gotten much sleep lately, Romeo is not taking the separation well, he is keeping me up all night. Trying to handle extreme emotional stress while exhausted is not easy. I am tired of crying.

My mom gave me some anti-depressant nerve relaxing pill the Dr. just gave her to help the nerves in her neck (she has a narrow nerve canal thing or something). It should help me sleep. We locked the cats up too so I can sleep without Romeo trying to bust down the door or jumping on me crying and getting into things.

Maybe the night will get better. Maybe I will lay down and read...or pass out. I am feeling much much more relaxed, the pill must have kicked in.

Tonight (Sunday) is the first night I have not cried since I left. I mostly credit that to the fact that I have read a good 300+ pages of my book, and the fact that I every time I cry my mom cries and it makes me feel bad. I feel bad bringing everybody down so I pretend to be happy. I am terrified that he does not miss me. During the week we talked through texts to discuss work...but this weekend we did not talk at all. It's the longest we have gone without talking since I moved in, possibly since we started dating. I am full of fears and doubts. I'm not really eating a whole lot, my mom has been making all my favorite meals to get me to eat. She is too good to me. My brother offered for me to stay at his place for a little bit and someone to talk to, of course the offer made me cry, I may take him up on it. A trip to the beach might do me good. I am tired of hurting, I miss my life.

He is the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning.