You gave us 14 good years. You were a good dog, you will be missed. We love you.

RIP Aj.

<3

I told him not to call me unless it was a major work emergency and he couldn't get ahead of me any other way (email & text)...

Two mornings in a row this week he called me for non-emergency work stuff (he woke me both times). The first time was after I had my first bad dream about him and his new gf.  So yesterday morning when he called me I let him finish the work conversation, at the end he said "I figured it would just be easier for me to call you and tell you that." I told him you know you could have texted or emailed me that. Then I said (in my kinda bitchy you just woke me up and have pissed me off tone) "You are getting too comfortable with calling me and it is unacceptable." Haha he sounded so put out and shocked that I put him in his place. He said oh.. I said alright bye and hung up. Didn't wait for him to say anything else. Needless to say yesterdays work texts were to the point and he wasn't as conversational as he usually is.

.:pats self on the back:.

So...I am starting my conversion. I have yet to decide if I will go vegetarian, vegan, or just mostly vegetarian and organic...lol. I am just so super tired of the way my body reacts to foods, preservatives, and artificial stuff. Just so tired so I need a change.

I am slowly incorporating soy products into my diet, I have found I LOVE Chocolate Silk, Soy milk (will try the other types next). I am trying soy as a natural way to help my body with it's hormonal issues (estrogen). Since I started drinking the soymilk I am craving it! Its like my body is like YAY I like this!! Lol. I plan on trying some tofu recipes and more stuff that I can't remember =D. My vegetarian/wants to be a dietitian/ or dr sister is where I am getting all my tips (I keep eating all her food). I figure start slow and don't rush into things and transitioning will go well. So I start with soy, fingers crossed that it helps my health too.

In other news...we lost power today...45 seconds before my final project assets were done transferring to a external drive. A drive that needed to make FedEx today so that Chris could get it tomorrow morning and finish the project that is due Wednesday morning. Needless to say things were crazy. My parents have a generator so we had to get fuel, oil and clean the spark plugs to get it working. It was just enough to start my work horse of a computer and get final output done and transferred and to FedEx on time. Our partner was ready to drive all the way up here, wait out the power outage, get the stuff needed to finish the project and drive back to LA tonight. It was that important.

I didn't sleep well last night and I've had a headache most of today...but its been a good day, or at least busy enough to keep my mind occupied so it seemed like a good day. So I guess that constitutes a good day. Right? =)

<3

"being single does have it advantages"

"you wouldn't know"

"but, I made my choices that I felt are best for me"

"yes. well if dumping your girlfriend for another girl is what you had to do, then so be it"

"that's not what happened. but I don't need to explain myself to you"

"No, you don't. I'm just saying that is exactly how it looked"

I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. As I read the end of our conversation I feel petty when I was trying to act like I don't care. I am still angry and hurt. He is having money issues and who did he come to? Me. Not her. Of course I told him I would let him pay me the monthly payment we agreed upon a little late but that if the timeshare payment hit my credit card, I wanted the money right away and he still owes me for two projects. I told him I will not be screwed over by him. Been there done that. I said I want to feel sorry (he "bumped" another car in his uninsured car and gave them $600, the last of his money, so now he can't make bills) but I don't, I feel bad, but not really. It is no longer my responsibility.

I'm tired, frustrated, annoyed. My head hurts, I am sick, I am tired of the lack of privacy around here. I am never alone. I need my alone time. I am never alone.

I want to leave, I want to go, but I am scared. Oh so scared. When the current project is done I won't have an excuse anymore, I will have to go up north and start planning things, my life. I am scared.

I was going through my bags of clothes yesterday...figuring out what I wanted to keep boxed, what I wanted out and what to get rid of. I need to wash them all, they smell like home. It made me sad, really really sad. I miss my home, my life. He's been in my head a lot lately, I guess that's what I get for trying to block it all out. For trying not to think about it at all. Things still don't really feel real. I sat in bed last night thinking, is this really my life? What happened? I am tired of this gloomy little town. I miss LA.

I am getting better at pretending. Everyone is proud of me. "Shes doing so well". I got so tired of walking into a room and hearing the last bit of a conversation about me before it stops. I love having a really big family...but its gets tiring to always hear someone on the phone talking about my issues with my mom. When I pretend then these things don't happen as often.

I pretend that I don't have a vice on my chest that keeps me from breathing sometimes. I pretend I am hungry, I pretend I am ok. How hard could it really be for me to pretend to be happy, I've done it for so long. Just because I'm out of practice doesn't mean I'm not good at it anymore. =)

I wanted change. I went to get some "salon therapy" lol. Maybe I'll post a pic of my "new" hair. Might not be enough of a change...I'll change it more next month. My mom was happy, "you've done something for yourself, you haven't done that in a long time..."

I'll just pretend. One day I won't have to anymore.

Here is my attempt at a normal, not so depressing blog. A few days after Christmas my brother, his wife, my little sister and I went up to Sequoia Park. I have only seen lots of snow one other time in my life. I was no older than...5? My parents took us to the Sequoias but I fell in the snow and cut my hand open on a rock. We were only there for like 5-10 minutes. lol. This years trip was quite fun because we played in the snow a lot, and I didn't fall once. =)

2 weeks and 3 days after he ends it with me he is in another relationship. 2 days after I leave with my stuff. 3 days after he asks if we could be fuck buddies if the need arises. (if the need arises...haha) Good enough for sex (because at least I still know I am amazing in bed. lol) but not good enough to love. I'm not good enough for forever.

How am I not supposed to feel like he broke up with me for her? How am I supposed to feel like I am worth anything? How am I supposed to feel like our relationship meant anything?

Shes the unattractive one and I feel like an ugly, fat, un-want-able hag. What does she have that I do not. What could she give that I had not already given?

What is wrong with me.

I'm home. I'm ok. I had one good and very called for break down. I got to yell. I got the anger out. Then things were good. We got along, got a lot of good talking in and things were very cordial/respectful...I can't think of the word I want, but we got along well, agreed on who gets what and how much he owes me (somewhere around $10k) without any issues at all.

There were issues. When I got there all my stuff in the bedroom was hidden. He hid it all because she stayed the night. Slept on my side of the bed...with my pillow! (he didn't change the sheets before she slept there though so eew for her. HAHA) I also found a box of condoms under the bed...of course those issues caused my break down/yelling/pissed off rant. Condom box was full, he hasn't slept with her. She told him she is a virgin...a 27 year old virgin with a tongue ring...in this day and age...I don't really believe it, but he does so I calmed down. Plus....we had amazing I really hate you/goodbye sex. If he had slept with her he wouldn't have slept with me. That I know. I promise I am not lying to myself. So I feel like I reclaimed my bed and left the pillow. =) hehe. Surprisingly the sex made things easier. Of course I was much less stressed, but he had said last week that I needed to keep my hands to myself because there was going to be no sex...then he was the one saying please. lol. He still wants me that way so I don't feel so bad about myself. I know warped, but it helped me realize that he didn't lie when he said it wasn't me and he'd just lost the love. I hope I'm explaining myself well...

While packing I found a picture of them. I don't toot my own horn and say I am beautiful. I'm ok, and pretty sometimes. But this girl. Wow I felt better about myself after seeing the pictures. LOL. Man I sound like a petty bitch. =(  But my sister who is the nicest person ever and doesn't talk crap said she looks like a female sumo wrestler. That made me smile...but just a little. Oh haha, she made him a colored paper chain, you know those things kids make to count the days til christmas...yeah one of those. And she is older than him...

When we said goodbye, I said "I love you, and that is the last time I will tell you that." It kinda hit him. He kept walking around the practically empty house looking lost. He gave me a kiss and hug goodbye and holding back tears said he was sorry. I drove away and felt sad but ok. Then sad because I felt ok. So at this moment I am ok, I am ready to move on and find myself. I will unpack, purge, repack and throw some stuff in storage. I will go visit Folsom and see what the living/job/school situations are like. I will find myself, I will find someone else. I know he will come back. He looked like a wreck today. He will realize his mistake, maybe too late. Maybe I will never take him back. This will make me better. I am holding on to that and not him.

I will survive. LOL =)