So my sister followed my footsteps. She is in the high school colorguard. For this winter season the theme is Alice in Wonderland. The new one by Tim Burton. They have a "Mad Hatter" table and chairs set up, some girls dance on the chairs, some on the table. Each girl had to paint their chair. Most girls just did each leg, the seat and the back a different color...I painted my sister's, but I got creative. =) It was fun. I've missed painting.

So...Before

and After...


  <--- That...took the most time....

Yay me.

Thats all I got tonight. 

My friend's mother passed thursday, the only family she had, except for her son. She was a wonderful, beautiful and strong woman. About four years ago she suffered a stroke that threw her into and Alzheimer's type state, and she could not talk. She did not know her only daughter, she did not understand that it was her grandson who she was playing with. She passed just three days after her daughter's 26th birthday. Both her mind and her body left this world too soon.

I am so saddened by this, not just because I loved her also, but because my friend suffered an incredible loss, when she deserves everything wonderful in this world. Her mother was her everything, like my mother is mine. I can not imagine the pain that she is in. I can not imagine being 26 and making funeral arrangements for someon so precious. She has no one to look out for her, no one to hold her and tell her everything is okay. She is the strongest person I know. A single mother alone in the world. I do not know what to say to her, I don not know how to help or make things a little bit better. I think I will just cook, bring over a few meals, some comfort foods and a card just to tell her that I love her.

So to keep from ending this post with the sadness that is in my heart, I will tell you my favorite memory of Shirley.

I met Angelina in high school the second semester of my freshman year when she joined the colorguard. During a practice my sophomore year she told me she had to save her water bottle because her mom liked to freeze water in them and crush it with a hammer then eat the ice chips (I don't think they had an ice maker in the freezer). I thought this was the best, most funniest thing ever. I love to know other people are as quirky as I am. So a few weeks later when she told me her mom's birthday was coming up I had an idea. I begged my mom to take me out and we bought a big 6 pack of water and a new hammer. I was so excited! I will never forget the look on her face when my peppy little 15 year old self went skipping up to the car with my wrapped present and told her happy birthday. I think she was a bit embarrassed because I knew her quirky secret but she laughed gratefully and said thank you. A few years later I was remembering the story to Angelina. She said her mom still had one of those bottles in the freezer and was saving it, she didn't want to use it. I felt so special that it meant something to her. Back then I didn't realize what such a simple gift from the heart would mean. It warms my heart to think back to that laughing grin she had. I would love anything to go to the house and see her sitting in her little lawn chair in front of the door just enjoying the weather and passersby, or tinkering under the hood of their car. That woman kept their old little bucket of bolts running with hangers and duct tape! haha I don't know how she did it!

May you be free of pain and watch your daughter succeed in raising a wonderful little boy.

<3

I just got done reading Still Alice by Lisa Genova. I read this book to help understand what life is like for my Grand Mother, who is living with Dementia. This is a great book and I recommend it to everybody out there.

The book is about a Harvard Professor who is diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease (EOAD). This disease is caused by a genetic mutation. The book explains that there are three genes that they can test for the mutation, APP, PS1 and PS2. Not everyone with EOAD will test positive as there are other genes that can cause this disease but have yet to be discovered. Anyone with EOAD has a 50% chance of passing the gene onto their children. The woman in the story has three children, two decide to get tested for the gene, one did not. This got me thinking.

If one of my parents were to be diagnosed with EOAD and tested positive for one of the mutated genes, would I want to be tested? Would I want to know that I was to slowly lose myself as I got older, or would I want to live oblivious and take the chance of not knowing? I cannot say for sure, I think I would want to know so that I could catch the disease early and start taking the medications right away. Knowing would give me the chance to life every moment to the fullest, enjoy all the little things that most people take for granted. Not knowing would give me the opportunity to live mostly burden free. It would not leave me wondering at every normal memory hiccup "is the EOAD starting already??" Lucky at this time in my life it is not something I myself would have to worry about. For that I am thankful because this is a terrible disease. What is your opinion?

If one of your parents were to be diagnosed with EOAD and tested positive for one of the mutated genes, would you want to be tested?

I wish I could fly. I wish I could watch the sun set and rise around me while I soared.

Here are some random pics taken sometime last month I believe.

I love this baby! He calls me mama...I gave up telling him I wasn't mama, he's stubborn.

Bound and determined to ignore tomorrow. Tomorrow is not a day I want to think about. ...:smacks head and yells "Stop thinking about it!!!!":...

I just want to go and yell and scream and hit out my frustration and pain. Grrrr.

Found a "fortune" on my desk from Chinese a while ago. Says "Turn your thought within - find yourself" how fitting.

If Josh Groban is anything like his music...I want to marry him.

Who shall join me in the oblivion of alcohol tomorrow? =)

How have I been finding my little bit of happiness lately? Cooking. I like to see others enjoy what I make. I unpacked my cookbooks and have been trying new stuff. It is nice to have people eat my food (and actually enjoy it!). Chris was such a picky eater he would not eat anything I made!

Because of the time I can't say tonight, so lets just say, wed night dinner: Tasty Albondigas Soup (meatballs, diced potatoes, celery, carrots, tomatoes, onions + spices) with warm fresh bread! Mmm.

The other night, chicken, barbecue sauce, beans, bell peppers, and tomato sauce mixed in a casserole dish with a corn bread topper. Rave reviews on that one from my family and everyone at the superbowl party I went to. Yay! 

Next I want to try pounded chicken breast satay (the recipe calls for peanut butter, I am intrigued!), apple pecan chicken roll-ups, chicken and pasta primavera, and an all-in-one burger stew...

My mom really enjoys the break from cooking and the new things to eat. But I think the rest of the family is enjoying the baking more! lol.

Mini brownie cupcakes (yes I like to make mine in cupcake form...portion control!!). Ones with nuts, ones with raspberry, peanut butter cups, white chocolate chips, caramel mixed in and drizzled on top, and some topped with powder sugar, then just plain. =)

Not to mention the apple cinnamon muffins, regular cupcakes, coffee cake... cookies will probably be next! lol I've gone a little crazy with it all, but it is fun to blare the music and dance around the kitchen like an idiot while making stuff. =)

On a side note...my desk area has been taken over by ants...I feel all creepy crawly. .:shivers:.

So, I will leave you with some Colbie Caillat

My heart hurts. I hurt so much. I don't want to hurt anymore. I still love him, and I don't want to, I want to hate him. How can I still feel so much love? Why? I just want to move on.

All I ever wanted was to be important to somebody. To have the thought of living without me to be unbearable. The thought of losing me terrifying. I thought I was the perfect girlfriend, everything he could ask for. I just wanted to be important, special.

I looked forward to a simple life together with 1 or 2 kids and a dog, a little house big enough for just us, and a yard to play in. Those were my dreams. Being loved, and being a mom. I didn't dreams of mansions or diamonds, fame of fortune. Just a happy simple little life. Love.

Now I dream of being whole.

It has been a lazy weekend. Since I have been so terribly sick I just laid in bed reading and sleeping. Of course I couldn't sleep well because I am so so congested. I was so desperate for sleep sat morning that I took my mom's sit up pillow thing off her bed and slept sitting up against the back board. Haha. I am finally feeling like I will get over this soon. I am trying to get all the congestion out because my ears are now plugged...I don't want it turning into ear infections. Boo.

My dad is sick too, but he is so lame. Lol. Apparently he is competing with me as to who is the sickest because he wants all my moms attention. Haha I am stealing his thunder because he isn't as sick as I am, so lame! Regardless, my mom has been so happy to finally be able to take care of me for the first time in 5 years that she is doing all she can for me. I keep telling her it is not necessary but she insists...it's a mom thing. I paid her back tonight with a long back rub. She needed it. =)

I think my iPod is dead...or dying...years of collecting music...half of the cds we sold when we needed money or I left with chris, soon to be gone! =( It will take me years to replace them all, let alone forever to save up for a new one. My music is so important, but I probably can't even name half of what is on there lol I don't remember, I just know I love the songs. Maybe apple will fix it for not a lot of money? Probably not. I am going to look into getting all the music off of it, maybe it will work long enough for that.

I should get back in bed. I am done rambling useless words. Some day I will do what I said I will and write about something that is not me talking about my life...lol.

It still makes me nauseous to think about him with her. I try not to, I try really hard. Trying hasn't been good enough lately. Grrr. I hate this. I need to move on already. I am still scared.

He cut me out of the small work, he needs the money. I know it is for the best, but I needed the money too. Now I face the dilemma...get a job here that is temporary, make my resume look bad by jumping jobs, and chance not getting work because I'd have to tell them it is just temp, or spend what little money I have to take mult. train trips up north and look for jobs there, though I probably can't afford another one-way u-haul if I manage to find something...the last one cost me almost $300! =(

I do have some money coming in here in the next month or two..(studios take up to 90 days to pay)...but I feel like I am wasting my life, sitting here doing nothing, wasting my days on indecision and fear. I'm not moving forward, I am stuck in a rut....I don't like it. 

I've been here two months now. Six weeks, today is six weeks. Six weeks to get over five years? Not likely. But I wish. I really really wish.

I miss...

I miss the weight of a man on top of me...the power of having a man under me.

I miss the moment when passion and love merge two people into one and nothing else exists, nothing else matters...

I miss the after glow, the complete contentment, the world is still gone and everything is right...

I miss the warmth and security of a man next to me as we sleep, someone to turn to if in need.

I miss...