I am on early tonight!. What to say about my day? My friend is a manager at a clothing store in the mall. She brought up a possible job opportunity there as she is now looking for a "sales lead" I told her I am a quick learn and don't expect much. lol She said she'd let her district manager know. I'll probably know more tomorrow or sometime next week what exactly that means. Got a good portion of my project done today. I like doing the work but I sure am tired of talking (through text msg) to the ex daily. Grr. Oh well beggars cannot be choosers. Had plans tonight but it seems they have fallen through. It's ok, hate borrowing my parents truck anyways. Should, hopefully be out buying the parts for my car tomorrow. If the weather holds should have it fixed this weekend! Woo hoo!

So today's list.
1. Got to run down our dirt road barefoot in the rain. That was fun, city girl with a country girl heart.

2. Woke up this morning with my headache from last night gone. Yay! =D

3. Possible job opportunity presented itself. .:crosses fingers:.

<3

Since I don't really have much to talk about I will just post my three positive things about today (Thursday) like I promised myself I would.

1. My great neighbor looked at my car. Since he will be fixing it (again) the cost will be much lower than if I took it somewhere.

2. I started a new studio project today. Yay work! Keep em coming and I can save up some more!

3. Gave big sister advice to my little sister tonight. She listened to me (a first??) and realized when things worked out right that I am smart and actually know what I am talking about....sometimes hehe.

I quite enjoy finding 3 small happy things about my day each night. It puts me in a much better state of mind! Even when I am feeling miserable.

Yay to positivity-ness!! lol

Karma is paying me back. I had too good of a time Monday. I was too excited to get my car fixed and to be out looking for a job. Too excited to be driving to the park daily to go walking. Too much good, not enough bad. It is the bad karma that likes me. Lol.

On my way home from picking up my brother and dropping off his friend....my car broke down. Yay. Just died in the middle of driving it while going 50mph+. Since I didnt hear my engine actually die out I am lucky enough to know when my car doesn't feel right, I decided to pull over. Just as I eased it off the road my steering froze, ya know, because the car was off...

Car wouldn't start back up afterward. Good thing I have AAA! Wait. You need your card to call AAA...since I was just running to the school I didn't grab my whole purse, just my id/credit card carrier that didn't have the card in it. Then I get to call my dad (who I was mad at) to ask him to bring my purse and drive me home.

Towed the car home, neighbor will look at it tomorrow in hopes to find the problem. There goes my job drama right? Can't get a job without a car. Too bad you can't fix a car without the money a job provides.

Yay karma!

I have felt more like my old self lately. Yesterday was such a good day. Last night I went out with a big group of friends, it was wonderful. Good times. I must say I think yesterday was the best day I have had since I have been here. I have even felt productive. I got everything on my weekend list done, even looking into train tickets.

I am surprised at how badly I want a job. I spent some time yesterday and today looking for one. It is really disheartening! There is nothing out there! I want a job but probably wont work there for more than 2 months if I get one here. On top of that, right now I can only looks for jobs that won't require me to buy new clothes. Why? Well: 1. I have nothing really nice for office work anymore, probably nothing interview worthy, but I have to look. 2. I cannot afford new clothes for working until I have had the job for a little while, so I need someplace that has a casual dress code. What does that leave me with? Very little. I can't spend much more of my gas driving around asking if places are hiring so I am going to call around first, anyone who says yes will be put on a list to go visit later this week. That still leaves me with the drama of how a job I have only had a month will look on resumes for another job up north. What will they think about me? "She's only had that job 3 weeks and she is looking for a new one already? How flaky" I don't want to lie to any employers down here and say I am able to work for a long time only to leave in a few months. I am not about to give a sob story about just needing enough money for new clothes and moving. But I know most won't hire me if I say I only want a job for no more than 3 months.... So, do I give up looking here and just look up north? Decisions decisions. I need to sit down with my mom and talk it out. Get another opinion as to the route I should take.

Other than that things are still looking good. My friend agreed to go walking with me everyday since my sister's schedule is too crazy to be reliable. Lets see if he follows through. I just finished one studio project this morning. The ex gave me another small project today so a few hours of work and I earned a couple hundred. If he keeps giving me these little ones I won't have the job drama I currently have. I won't rely on getting the little projects though, I don't have much trust in him anymore. As they say in our industry, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I haven't been home much lately so I should go out and help around the house now. =)

<3

Great lunch. Chicken, garlic potato wedges and raspberry apple beer at the local brewery. Yummy! Great Movie, Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Go see it, it was really good! Great company, good friend from high school. Got some work done, helped my mom. Had a headache (from the 3D-ness of the movie, my eyes don't like working that hard), mom shoved pills down my throat, felt a little fuzzy lol. Slept only 3 hours last night, got up at 9am!!! Anyone who knows me knows that that is amazing. Hehe

This weekend plan to finish up work, take some pics for my Grandma's b-day invitation, get my hair done and other girl stuff. I think I think I just might buy some train tickets. Yay. Finally. Lol.

Tonight's random fact? I LOVE homemade waffles!! I could eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner I love them so much. They are my current obsession. Mmmm.

Now I'm off to lay in bed and read. Yay! =)

What do you want to do when you grow up? That is a very hard question. I was always so jealous of those people who knew right away, have known since they were young etc. Those are the only stories you hear about. The kids who go straight to college knowing what they want to do, finish college and live well. I don't know about other schools but my high school wasn't too good at supporting those kids who were at a complete loss. They never talked about those who graduate and flail about, jumping majors, skip college. Probably because those are usually the ones who end up working jobs that society deems crappy...?

So what do I want to do when I grow up? I am not too sure. My original plan...go to art school. I was going to spend a semester or year working, saving to buy a car and working on my portfolio. I wanted to be a photographer and I found a great art school where I could take other classes like design, painting, and...glass blowing!! Awesome! Ya know keep my options open and find my calling. I felt like it was a good plan, I would find my true path once I went to school and weighed out my options. I was excited and it made me happy.

So what happened? Second semester of my senior year, I've told the story before. I was already suffering from major depression when the event happened, shattering anything good I had left. I swear, the next week my dad sat me down to talk about my future. I told him my plan (now not so sure if I had any talent), I was unsure but still wanted to follow through. In my weakest moment he spent two hours lecturing me about my choice. "You will make no money as a photographer", "there are no jobs in those fields", "you will live in debt with nothing, possibly on the streets". "haven't you heard the term starving artist?" Two hours telling me over and over again how I was making the wrong choice and it was a bad dream. Comparing me to my brother, the soon to be aeronautical engineer, and my sister the straight A student, who spoke of being a doctor since she was young. I walked away broken, no confidence left whatsoever.

I graduated high school. Took a year off to work, the only child not given a car I saved and bought my own. I attempted jr college but couldn't handle living at home. Got a second job, worked 7 days a week, some days both jobs, went to school 5 days, had 15 units. This way I was only at home to sleep. I attempted to get my AA. I'm not too good at school. Not smart like my brother and sister. My saving grace showed up. Chris. He turned me from my destructive behavior and moved me in with him. I hate him right now. But I feel like I owe him. He saved my life. I was going to go to school in LA. It never worked out. Life got in the way, bills and rent, finally a business.

So here I am 7 years after graduating. In the same place I was then, miserable and living with my parents. Facing the same question: What do I want to be when I "grow up"? 

A mom, a stay at home soccer mom as I call it. That would be ideal but really? This is a two income society now.

So if I had the guts, if I could handle the crime scenes...a criminologist...if I were talented enough a painter...or maybe a make-up artist, if I didn't already know the field a hair stylist...a photographer (for national geographic would be amazing)...graphic designer (print, not dvd menus LOL)...a photoshop painter or 3D artist for video games or movies...an interior designer? Too many options, so many more I haven't said, or even thought about.

Too bad I wasted 5 years, there is no way I could start over at a regular college and get an actual degree...I have a feeling I'll have to go to a trade school...

I think, being that I have a passion for DIY remodeling and design. The first thing I am going to look into when I move is interior design. I don't know. Sounds good though. =)

What do you want to do when you grow up? It's a hard question...I have no idea really.

We have had some really pretty clouds lately. Of course I don't like the way my lens captures them, I want a better zoom on my canon (rebel xsi)!

 =)

In front of the house

In front of the house again

Our dirt road is to the right of this field, the house is about a half a mile back...

The views are ok here, but I get tired of the same ol things in my pics, I need to go out around town with my camera one of these days. =)

Got the new Lady Antebellum cd today, super excited to listen to it. I am importing it into iTunes now...

I don't feel like working, I can't wait to get into something that I really want to do, I have a feeling graphic design, or maybe just movie menus is not my calling. =)

Warning this is a rant, I will do my best to refrain from using terrible not-ladylike language...

In my head and my heart I am kicking, screaming, yelling and crying. I cannot do this on the outside because I have to keep it together for the family. I have to step in for my mom at the moment. Of course right when I am about to break down.

I haven't talked to him in a while. If i did it was one or two text messages asking about money and such. I have been good, dare I say happy. But now, there is a project and I have to talk to him daily. If would have been fine but the damn idiotic insensitive jackass boy has to happily tell me that he is going out of town this weekend, or monday and will not be back til the 8th. He knows I'm not stupid, he knows I know where he is going. But he has to happily shove it in my face that he is taking time off in the middle of a project to go visit his new whore. While I sit at my parents house, unhappy and alone working on this stupid new project. Why are boys so stupid?!?!?! I call him a boy because he does not deserve to be called a man just because of his age. I hate him. God dammit I don't wanna cry. I don't wanna care. But what can I do when it gets shoved in my face???

I just makes me revisit the fact that I do not have everything I ever wanted. Something I thought I had, but lost. I just want to be important to somebody. I just want to be loved. I want to find my happily ever after (well the reality version at least). That is all I've ever asked for. I don't think that is much.

I just need someone right now, someone to be there for me, and I have no one but myself.

Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <--- my frustrated text yell....

I am off to take my broken self to bed and lose myself in a book. .:sigh:.

~I like my chocolate chip cookies with out the chocolate chips, no this does not just make them sugar cookies =)
~I like my pancakes, waffles and toast "burnt", but not toast for peanut butter toast, just "regular" then
~I eat donuts and cakes and cookies...and any type of sweets with water, not milk....I eat my cereal dry
~I cannot get dressed in the bathroom after a shower, I have to go to my room where there is no hot steam to effect the putting on of the clothes
~I have a mental check list that I run through every time I get in my car to go somewhere, if it is thrown off (like my sister starting the car for me) I get really confused lol.
~After today I can no longer say I have never caused a fire in the kitchen  HAHAHA
~First thing I used to do when I came home in the summer was take my clothes off and sometimes put on a thin shirt...in the winter it was a robe. Now (since staying with my parents) I just put on comfy clothes =( I don't really like clothes. lol
~I talk to myself, even answer myself, especially when I am traveling alone
~I hate hate hate black and brown together and calling it "style"
~I miss playing the Violin and jazz/ballet dancing
~I still listen to my Spice Girls CD's sometimes...I still remember all the lyrics to songs I listened to ten years ago...
~I still take gummy multi vitamins, they are for adults though =)
~I brush my teeth in the shower
~I have a very very hard time saying applicable correctly
~Food scares me sometimes
~"Walking like an Egyptian" is very fun
~If I find random things, I like to put them on my head and make stupid faces at people (I usually just do this at home lol)
~I often have urges to wave at random people who drive by...I often give in to that urge...a wave back makes my day
~Sometimes I cannot talk and I say things like overimactive (instead of over active imagination) I usually do this when I am trying to have an intelligent conversation. It is embarrassing! This is why I have a fear of public speaking.

Thanks for indulging my weirdness. =)

I am laying in bed reading. A simple but amusing book. It is 6am and I have not slept yet. I ate, food that I knew would give me a migraine within five minutes of eating it. So I took a vicodin and two excedrin migraines before the five minutes were up. Despite the jitters I seem to become more clear minded when I've taken any sort of vicodin. I don't take it often. I hate taking pills. I have decided to stay up, this should kick my schedule onto the right track.

Anyways, lets see if I can get to the point of this post while making sense. While I was reading my mind started to wander. I was thinking about what my life would be like if wishes came true. I long for love, I had a dream Monday night that I was getting married. It was very detailed, except the groom of course. I long for my own little family. This led me to my next thought and my small little epiphany. If you couldn't tell my mind tends to jump around a bit.

I want so badly to move to Sac and get my life started again. I want to get a career started (I will post about this later today or tomorrow, I think I am getting somewhere). Like I have said so many times, I want it, but I am afraid. I think I stumbled onto why. I am young despite what my mind keeps telling me. Gasp I actually admitted that!! lol. I took on a lot when I moved out. Chris and I jumped onto a fast track focused on work and moving up. Him, because he is materialistic. Me, to help him, I knew once he felt like he had enough he would settle into what I wanted. Marriage and a family, I could indulge him for a few years . He still is not there, he wants too much. We had our money problems, quit our jobs and started a business. I handled all of it, Chris didn't do much. I got overwhelmed in responsibility. I told my mom many times, I just wish we were normal people with normal jobs.

Moving back home may have been a blessing in disguise. While nursing my broken heart and shattered life I got what I never could find in my "old life". Time for me, time to figure out what I want. For my career and such. While I stress about money, it has been nice to lack the responsibility I once had. Maybe this is why I feel so young. I am afraid to move away and move on because I know I will take on a lot of responsibility again. I miss the feeling of accomplishment from succeeding on my own. The feeling of purpose, like I am a part of the world. I have freedom here but I do not feel like I am a part of anything. Being here, I've had mostly stress free time to think. Something I could not get Chris to help me achieve, something I kept putting off because my indecision both overwhelmed and scared me. I don't think this is coming out the way I meant it to.

I'll move when I am ready, I won't push myself like I usually do. I think I am getting there and I think will be ok. I think figuring out why I was afraid will help and realizing that I am holding on to being young when I had to grow up early will help. I think, I think I am slowly starting to pick up the pieces of myself, I might even put them back together better than they were before.

Hello Jennifer, it is nice to meet you.