I hate numbers, most women do. You ask a woman her number and there is a chance the reaction wont be too good. lol. You could apply age and clothing size to this theory, but I am talking about weight.

There has always been this number in my head. I used to say that if I ever weighted that I number I would kill myself. The thought of weighing that much was the worst thing I could imagine. About 3 years ago while I was going through all the pre-op appts for my surgery I was weighted. I was 0.5 lbs above that number. I was devastated. I did want to die. Thankfully I was so happy at that time that I didn't want to die bad enough to really do anything. After that I stopped weighing myself out of fear. I don't know my highest weight, I don't want to know. I do know that I felt horribly disgusting, unattractive and insecure on a daily basis. Not long after I moved here I weighed myself. I know I'd lost a few lbs, but at that point I was 20lbs over that my unacceptable number and I was even more disgusted.

Going from working in an office where I went walking on all my breaks and at lunch to working at home and fighting the ex to walk with me once a week really affected my weight. He wouldn't help me (with weight loss) even though I begged him for support, told him I needed help and that he needed to lose weight too. I gave up on fighting him. He is the pickiest eater I've ever met. I though I was bad, no, I'm not at all!! I got tired of making two dinners a night for just two people so I let him dictate the food we ate. While I ate the healthiest I could with my options, his choices affected my weight even more. Thats how I came to hit that weight. I was my thinnest I'd ever been when we first met. =(

Now even though I was my thinnest when I met him I lost it the wrong way. I went 7 months working and going to school 24-7, living on a 100 calorie diet 5 out of 7 days a week. 500cals the other two days, and jogging on a treadmill daily. So to be trying to lose weight again, the right way is hard. It is so easy to slip into the not eating again. I haven't though. I've been good.

On Thursday(?) of last week I weighed myself, I was 0.4 lbs under that oh so feared number. Talk about a dancing in excited circle morning. lol It's the little things. Today, I am 6 lbs under and doin' good. I actually thought I would have gained some after a weekend of drinking beer and snacking.

I would give anything to get a job so I could get a gym membership, I would give anything for some proper workout equipment. I really do enjoy working out, I just don't have access to at least a treadmill being that my parents is not working. Boo. It's ok, it will work out. =)

I'm just happy to be seeing new numbers on that scale. Maybe someday, I won't hate someone for asking my numbers. I might just tell em. =)

A week of cleaning house like a crazy person...hardly enough time to get online. Plus xanga has been a bit slow lately, even with a new post my footprints are still 0. I know it is partially because I only write about myself nowadays and nothing very interesting. I would like to say I am going to shut down my site and be done, or just stop coming back, but we all know that is just an idle threat, even if I leave it is never for long and I always come back.

So why clean like a crazy person these last few weeks? Well yearly family gatherings at my parents house..slowly becoming a tradition...we all meet for my Grandmother's birthday she turned 91 on the 20th, threw it a little late. A mini family reunion. Gets bigger and bigger each year, 38 this past weekend. The house was packed!!

It was great to see most of the cousins that I grew up with. My mom and us kids spent time up north each summer visiting her family when I was little. It is funny then it was video games, now it is beer pong and drinking games LOL. Proud to brag that as a first time beer pong player my cousin and I (Team 23 - we were born on the same day a year apart) took the table in our own little family championships. Haha Good times! It was a great weekend that I needed really badly. Saw family members that I hadn't seen in a good 8-10 years!

I love love my moms side of the family it is huge and crazy. My dads? All cranky, selfish, lazy, and always fighting. No fun at all! So I was in the shower trying to rough-count the members of my moms family...I have 5 uncles and 5 Aunts, about 25ish cousins (my siblings and I make it 30ish), about 90ish 2nd cousins, 30-50 3rd cousins, and I don't know how many but 4th cousins from the two oldest uncles families. For all I know I am soon to have 5th cousins. lol

My mom had nieces and nephews before she was born, I have cousins (plus 2nd, 3rd, 4th)  that I have never met, or have only met once at the huge family reunion when I was about 9.

The point of my post? I don't know...
Yay family!! lol

Goodbye fuel pump....

Hello...

$300 Yay!!!

Jimmy (neighbor) fixed my car today. He plugged in the new fuel pump before putting it in and the car still didn't work. The real problem? Fuel pump wasn't getting power. There is something wrong with the wire going between the pump and the fuse. He and his friend ran a new wire and voila! Pd $20 the the friend and I'm all set. Heading out here soon to return the part. =)

YAY!!

Just got home from my sisters last competition. Been there since 5. I am very tired. But it was amazing. How I miss it, I really loved preforming!!! Got to see my old instructors. Good times. So how did they do?

GW High School Winter Season Color Guard is 2010 Regional "A" Gold Division Champions!! 1st place YAY. I'm so proud. It was all cuz my chair LOL.

I couldn't take flash pics so they all looked blurry from the movement. If you don't know what Color Guard is above is a great video. Gets really cool about 2 min in. They are tossing wooden rifles, metal and very very sharp sabers (hard to see because they are thin) that can cut your arms open if you are not careful, and flags. They make it look easy, but really it is not.

Goodnight. <3

My neck is killing me. I don't know what I did to it. Grrr. Woke up and went straight to laying on the couch to ice it. Got online for five minutes, went to get the "kids" (my brother and sister who are 14&15, we still call them the kids) from school, back to the computer to check work stuff. Icing my neck as I type. That has been my day. Lol. I was so productive yesterday, it felt good. I got all my files organized, I only have the "medical" one and the "auto" one left to organize and its all done. YAY. If my neck pain eases off I plan to do a little bit more box organizing tonight.

I am anxious to get my car fixed. I cant wait til Jimmy (neighbor) has time! =)
 
Added a bunch of CD's to my iTunes last night yay new music to listen to! =D I <3 music.

 
Hanging out by the unused front door. He was a big one.

I don't like spiders, but I thought this little guy was cute. He was really little, I had my lens zoomed all the way and right on top of him to get a decent shot. lol

I am enjoying the spring (since I haven't lived here in so long my allergies aren't too bad, yay!) but I am dreading the summer. =( It is hot, sticky and muggy here. Not like down south. I miss my big city still.

I have all this energy and no where to expend it, I wanna run around in circles or something lol. Stupid neck.

Ok. I think my random post is done.

<3

Goodbye $300.00

Hello....

....new car part

=)

Thats all folks.

My previous post was more interesting. Go check that one out instead lol.

<3

Since I have talked about myself so much lately I shall post something better! These are some pics I took and forgot to post a while back. Some I took today. =)

Looking out from the front yard

Looks like a grain silo fell in the storms it looked neat so I made my mom drive really slow so I could take a pic.

I love the clouds hovering over the mountains! Dusk made the colors nice too.

At the park where I walk.

Thats all for now, more later I think.

<3

These last few months my sleep has been so restless that I haven't really been dreaming, if I have I sure don't remember. I had a dream last night, one so vivid, so real that waking up alone was like waking up to a newly broken heart all over again. While my heart hurts today I am quite frustrated with the situation. I much preferred the dream I had where the ex's new girlfriend was trying to kill me.

On a completely different note. I am surprised at how busy the studios are keeping us so early in the year! We are just at the tail end of one project and another just got announced. Probably starting next week. I won't complain I am happy about the income, but I really was looking forward to some time where I wasn't in contact with the ex(thats his name now lol) so much. Apparently there is a $450 check in the mail. Yay new car parts here I come!!! Woot.

New car parts leads me nicely to my next thought. Working car = can look for a job again. My friend isn't gonna hire me. I am a little bit frustrated by the false hope and such. When she needed a job and I had the power, I did everything I could to get her a job even when I wasn't the one doing the hiring. I am always there for her, doin stuff to help her in times of need. I have never ever asked for anything, friendship isn't like that. But friendship is a little give and take for both parties right? My time of need, she has the power but doesn't want to try. I'm hurt, but nothing I can do so. end rant...and I'm over it.

To end this on a positive note....I am washing my sheets and blankets today. That makes me super happy because I LOVE snuggling into a freshly laundered bed. Mmm smells so good!

Oh luck, luck is so not my friend!

My computer has caught a horrible virus. Bought a new copy of Norton Saturday. Old one wasn't working (obviously), was registered to the ex, and had only 30 days left in the subscription. Got it running and cleared out all viruses. Things should be good right? Nope upon leaving the computer I find that the virus corrupted a very very important system file. When the virus went bye bye so did the functionality of this file. Yay.

In the middle of a project my computer is useless. Spent two days so far looking for fixes, and nothing has worked. Plan to call vista tech support tomorrow. Hopefully they will help. I really don't want to reformat!!! =(

This is the reason that I might be absent for a bit, the the reason I haven't really be on this weekend (though I'm sure it didn't seem like it). =) And the reason I am super sterssed. Yay.

I need a job that doesnt rely on my computer. Oh wait my car still doesn't work. In the midst of handling my comp crisis getting the parts for my car slipped through the cracks. Also the time change totally threw off my schedule which was getting much better. I was doing so well at being positive and productive and such. Well here is to pessimism. =D

Please forgive misspellings and bad typing, I am tired and frustrated and have decided not to re-read to see if all this makes sense. lol. Thanks! =)

Good night world, lets hope we get along tomorrow, well techinaclly today.