It has been a good day.

Went to get my hair done and...YAY my old co-worker/friend was there!! Excited because I was going to have someone new and I was SCARED!! lol. But we caught up, laughed about old times and I walked out a very happy girl because I LOVE my hairs!! =D  I am happy because I was wondering about her and her kids but we lost touch some time after I moved (she ended up moving too) I was wondering how to get back in touch with her.

Rushed home to shower and get ready for a grad dinner. Unboxed my nice clothes to find that...my work pants/dress pants fit! YAY. Last time I tried they were too small. =( Not any more! So...YAY.

My always late family made it in time for the dinner only 3 min late. lol. Dinner was tasty and I got to see my lil, but not littlest sister...lol. It was a nice time.

Let me say this though, man I felt small there! This dinner was for the high achieving grads who had a special full ride scholarship. These are the smartys who are going somewhere and making a difference. All younger than my lost uneducated self.  Yup insignificant little me playing with the big people. I know I will never make my dad that proud. Oh he liked when he could brag that I was a business owner and doing well, now, well now I live at home and am unemployed. Not brag worthy at all, more like family outcast worthy. Grrr. Bastard.

Waiting for an email, wishing it would come in already, if one is coming at all. *sigh*

I am feeling a bit broken hearted tonight. Make it an early night? Not with a restless mind I wont, does not matter how tired I am.

I need help, and I do not know how to ask for it. I have spent my life lost, helping others, acting alive all the while sending those little prayers into the sky hoping that someone would see the pain in my eyes and for once, help me. Why don't I just say something? At times I want to, I want to go running through the house yelling f***ing look at me for once. I don't want to be all poor me/give me attention. I don't want to push my issues on others. I don't want to cause pain in others. The only person around here that could help is my mom, and she has so much going I'd feel horrible for asking help and giving her more to do. It would also require me to tell her all the horrible parts of my life that I have worked so hard to hide from her all these years. All the things that would devastate her if she found out. I can't do that to her. But, I don't know how to help myself, not the way I need, not anymore. I feel so guilty for not being able to function. No one here has seen my down points. Not the way he did. He tried to help, to make it easier. He didnt pressure me during those days when I couldnt sleep and spent most of the day laying on the couch not thinking or functioning. He made sure I ate, held me when I needed it. It hasn't been this bad in years. Not the need to hide in a dark room all day and can't sleep, falling apart level I am barreling towards. Here, they think I am lazy. They don't understand, they don't see. Everyone but my mom is too selfish to notice or even care about anybody but themselves.

I hate that I can't help myself. The anit-depressants and therapy that I know I need cost money. Money I don't have and I don't qualify for any financial help. But the job market is bad here like everywhere else and getting a job other than a little retail one terrifies me. I am afraid I won't be able to function there either, I am actually pretty certain I wont be able to function under the pressures of the business world.

*sigh* I don't know what to do, I am lost. I guess I will just continue, keep on waiting for a time when my mom is less busy (lol), working up the courage to talk to her, and do what I can to keep myself out of the pain meds and away from other more harmful escapes.

blerg

The concert was really awesome. Like I thought. Of course a former American Idol contestant would know how to put on a show. He sounded just like his cds. Props to him for that because we all know alot of artist rely on audio technology to sound better.. I didn't know the openers (as usual) but was pleasantly surprised (again...as usual) a little band I didnt know, then Lifehouse! Yay I really like them, lost track of them lately but I will have to pick up the new cd as I like what they played off of it. They also played Hanging By a Moment. I love that song! =) My sister took the pics as my camera died right after the first pic. Doh!

Only pic I got to take lol. Standing in line.

Badalie (her nickname) rockin out

Yay!

Lead singers like to come to me...Lifehouse lead singer came up our section! =)

Daughtry

Just a few out of the hundreds she took. =) Earlier I had something else I was gonna write after the pics...but now I can't remember. So next time. LOL.

Taking my little sister to the Daughtry concert tonight, super duper excited!!! Woke up with a headache, Nooo!! So I rolled over, took some pills and went back to sleep. I am feeling better but I plan on finding some allergy pills, I'm thinking it could also be a little hay fever causing it. Since Chris Daughtry was on AI I know this is going to be a great concert and I plan on being in great jumping up and down rockin out while singing and screaming condition in a few hours. Oh yes. I LOVE LOVE me a good concert. I have been blessed with a good concert every time I have seen one so I am trying to keep the streak going.

Music really is my life. But I have only been to a few concerts =(

My first concert, Britney Spears...yes I know, but it was years years ago before she went nuts and it was a good concert...some little one hit wonder nobody opened. Didn't really like her, no surprise I never heard of her again...

Next, John Mayer, opened by Maroon 5 which was great! Maroon can make a crowd rock out and John can really get down with his guitar and crazy amazing solos in the middle of his songs. Another good time!!

Years ago Chris' bosses gave us free tickets to Warped Tour in Long Beach it was a good time, got there a little late so we didn't catch a whole lot of shows but what we saw was good.

Now the BEST concert of my life. My husband and love of my life Garth Brooks!!! I had good floor seats too! Oh man I was so excited that I cried! Now not bawling my eyes out. But yes there were tears. I had waited my whole life to see him and because he had retired I was terrified I'd never get to see him. Plus miss Trish Yearwood came out and sang a song with him. YAY. Is it wrong to thank the so cal fires? He came out of the wood works to put on a 3 day 6 concerts in LA with all the moneys going to the firefighters. Yes, it is love. Wonderful amazing concert!!

Lastly Rascal Flatts opened by Taylor Swift. Super exciting to! Yes, I love Flatts enough for some more excited tears, (not like Garth, but still some) what can I say?? I am a woman.. Anyways Taylor is super super cute, way too cute! I was happy to see her open. She is really good in person. A true little artist. Can't wait to see where her music goes when she is a bit older and has more life experience. Flatts put on an absolutely amazing show too. More good floor seats here too. Not only was it a great show the Lead singer came into the audience and I got to touch him. Woot! LOL yes I am that lame sometimes!!

I think that is about it, I really don't think I have forgotten any...now a few concerts I would love to see, Nickelback, wish I could have seen their All the Right Reasons cd tour as that is my fav cd of theirs!! Even more Elton John!!! Oh man please, that would be great! Celine Dion! Couldn't get to Vegas in time =(. Even better can I go back in time and see Simon and Garfunkel?? Please!!

Well off to blow dry my hairs and get perdy-fied!!

YAY.

Nothing like a good ol' Renaissance Faire to turn a frown upside down. Even if it was a temporary fix for the depression I've been feeling it was a very nice way to spend the day. Never been to one before. I love the renaissance era so it was great fun. How fun would it be to run away to join the renaissance (as opposed to the circus)??? =) Got a few great little souvenirs, a sun burn and some pics. Yay. =D

  Choosing his lady, too cute!!

  MmmHmm, the man I'm gonna marry!!! =D

  Yay jousting!! =D

Belly Dancers

  Singing ladies hehe

Closing march.

From my excess of photos (many many not shown lol), you can probably tell the jousting was my fav! It was a fun show, even if standing there watching it gave me a sunburn and heat stroke. =) I still left happy.

Morality. It has been on my mind a lot. I have always had this "feeling" a gut feeling maybe that I wouldn't live to see or live past 25. Morbid I know. I never wanted it to be true. I had to much living to do, marriage, kids, family. Life. But now, I am not sure how much I care about the ticking clock in my gut. I am so far from all my simple little dreams where as before I was so very close. I have been experiencing an extreme deep depression. My coping methods haven't been exactly healthy. I'll be 25 in three months. So it sometimes feels as if I only have 3 months to 1 year to live. Maybe that is where my fear of turning 25 came from. Maybe it is why I have always felt older than I really am. I can say that I am not sitting here waiting to die. I can say I am living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment. I can say a lot of things, but I don't lie, and these are lies. Other than waiting to hear about that job application I turned in, I can't think of anything I am excited about or anything I am waiting on. That is, other than the little question, is my gut right about this like it has been right about so so many other things in my life? Sometimes, sometimes I really want it to be.

We will see right? Someone is going to get the last laugh. All I know is I'm feeling like I want to jump off a bridge right about now, and I don't like it. I wish fixing it was as easy as saying "brain, you are stupid and you are telling me stupid things, so stop okay?"

Blerg

I've been in such a good mood these last few days. Did a little bit of shopping yesterday. Got a $48 purchase for $27 and a $100 purchase for $58. Man I know how to shop!! Lol. According to my sister the manager at the second store was flirting with me and I didn't notice because I have "been out of the game too long" and something about him giving me a "look", kids these days, I don't know about them. lol. I though he was just being nice and outgoing and conversational...?

Possibility of a job. Filling out the application now...who knew these things were so long and detailed, I don't remember them being like this when I was younger...(oh so long ago). The worst part is I have to use the ex as an employment reference because him and our other work partner are the only ones I know who could be my references... =( Still relying on him, I hate it. =( I hope I get the job, it is just a little retail job, and I'll probably only make minimum wage. But it is a job, makes me money to pay the bills and expand my savings, and I think it would be fun. So fingers crossed people. =)

Vet appt for Romeo tomorrow. Think he has another VTI poor baby, he's already had one a while back and apparently some cats are just prone to them. =( He's peeing on everything. Thought it was a territorial war with my parents male cat at first, but he got on the counter last night and peed on my moms cell phone. Like he was saying, hello can you call the vet please? lol. I hope they take care credit...

Migraine + morphine = Knocking out and waking up painless after 10hours of deep, good and very much needed sleep.

Break it down, Stop, Shower Time! da na na na, na na, na na Can't touch this. hahaha

I am in love. I am in love with the most wonderful man I have ever known. I am in love with a man that I have never met. I don't know what he looks like, his name, the color of his eyes or hair, how old he is or even his height. I have never talked to him. I know nothing of his family, nothing of his past. Yet he has my heart completely. He always has and always will. He is the puzzle piece that makes my life whole and right.

Why do I love him? Because he loves me. He loves me for who I am. He loves me like no one has ever loved me before. He loves me without question and unconditionally. He respects me, honors me, protects me and supports me. We can talk for hours about everything or we can sit together in comfortable silence lost in our thoughts. I never have to wonder about how he feels. He tells me he cares, he shows me his love whenever he can. He treats me as if I am the most precious thing on earth. He is going to marry me, start a family one day and grow old with me. In his eyes 50 years together is not a milestone marriage, it is an instant that goes by too fast. He will not run away when life gets tough. He will stand and fight. He is not afraid to work to keep our love alive, he is not afraid of the hard times. He is like no man I have ever known. Everything he gives me, I give right back. We trust, trust in each other.

Who is he you ask? He is my future.

Thunder so loud it sounds as if it is knocking tree down, or splitting them in half. I haven't been around a good ol' country storm in so long...I am actually a little teeny bit scared...? Ok well I heard it and cuddled under the blankets a little further. Anyone wanna come cuddle with me and keep me safe?? I love rainy cold weather, but its just no good without someone to snuggle with.

I am still not feeling too well, have had a migraine and despite it easing off a bit yesterday it is still haunting me. It makes me tired and a bit lazy. I am still in bed LOL! I am awake but I decided to stay in bed and play online with my laptop and do my horribly addicting sudoku book. I know I shouldn't be online or doing "thinking" games with a headache...but what else am I supposed to do? I am too adhd to just lay here!

Romeo is laying with me and I will say it is very hard to type with a cats head on one of your hands! lol He is oh so starved for attention. =)

I think I will go now. Nothing much more to say. I'll try to do a better blog later! <3