It is the age of the internet. So many people rely on this invisible force for so many things. Including...love?

With a big lull in my post work right now I have noticed an increase in my book reading(yay) and tv watching(boo). Commercials, I really hate them, they play the same ones over and over again. I have seen many for eharmony and match.com. Last time I heard people thought of online dating sites as places for "old, nerdy, and unattractive" people to find love or companionship. Have they changed? I never really had an opinion on them other than "I will never use one".

My broken heart is healing and I think about finding someone. Nothing fast. Preferably a slow, easy, get to know each other "dating" situation. I am a sexual person but man, people sure do jump right into the sex on the first date stuff. Guess I am old fashioned. My sister says "you have been out of the game too long". Wait I don't play games and I don't like them played on me. I wouldn't even know where to "meet" someone. It's not like I want to date a club hopper.

I have, in a sense, an academic curiosity in these websites. They make me wonder. Based on the "29 Dimensions of Compatibility" how many "matches" would I have? I feel like I have much more than 29 dimensions to my personality, they all add up together to create me. With out one you are only connecting to part of me. I don't believe most commercials, hello, actors! So I wonder how many people these sites truly match? I think want to do an experiment with these sites one day (soon?). I am somewhat skeptical. A "Make Love Happen Guarantee"? Can they really be guaranteeing these people love??

So my questions to the masses. What do you think of these sites, would you use one? Have you ever used an online dating site? What were the results? Do you believe the success rates they boast?

1 am. Heading home from moving my sister out of the dorms. An empty freeway. We pass a digital sign: Merge left accident ahead.

Ooh ooh I think, mom is driving I might get to see two smashed up cars. A minute or two later I see the flares. A lot of flares. Oh mom this might be a bad accident I say. My littlest sister sits up. An accident? (she wants to be a paramedic). I roll down the dirty window to rubber neck. Don't judge you know you rubberneck too!

1 cop, 2 cops...10 cops? News van? Flashing lights everywhere. My mom slows to beware of the officers walking around. Oh no I think this is bad. So many flashing lights. I am not longer excited about a smashed up car.

A semi truck. A mustang. A shocked gasp from my sister and me. The mustang must have been going over 100mph. Pretty high over. The front bumper was crumpled up behind the back tires of the semi. Yes. It went under the trailer. Yes the back of the trailer was inches or less from the front seat headrests. Yes this was a fatality accident. No, no body, it was already cut out of the car. Thanks goodness. I don't think I could have handled that. Understand that semi trucks have big heavy metal bumpers hanging under the back of the trailer to prevent accidents like this. The mustang plowed through that. Really an eerie, terrible sight.

Yes there have been much worse accidents. I know this. You may have seen the aftermath or witnessed it yourself or god forbid been a part of one. For me, this was the worst I have ever seen. So scary. Especially because as a young driver my dumb years, I put myself in a situation that could have ended just like this. 100mph in the slow lane, up ahead a semi, diagonally behind it a large vehicle. I didn't slow down, I judged everything and knew I had time to swerve between them. I did, but had one slowed down or sped up, that could have been my fate, I wouldn't have had time to slow down. Something similar must have happened. I just pray the driver was the only one in the car. To risk someone else because of not so smart driving. So so sad.

Drive carefully people. Please.

Ok xanga, I think, well I am pretty sure I have a bone to pick. Throughout my time here on xanga, and lately I have noticed discussions about people "only blogging when depressed" or some complaints on "ish" posts about depression and various disorders.  Stop complaining and do a little something. Something positive that is. They are writing it for a reason, to help themselves, to help others, to tell a story...

Do I blog more when I am depressed? Yes. Why? Because I have all these feelings pent up inside me and swirling around in my head.  These feelings and thoughts, they make life harder to live. I made this username for just this purpose. Blogging is a way to get them out. Like a little editor window psychologist. I get to spend an hour talking about how I feel  and about my issues while the box just sits and listens. Only difference? Blogging is free. I blog for myself, if that means I post 10 blogs in a row talking about just my life, what happens in my life, and depression, then that is what I post. You do not like it, don't sub me. Easy peasy.

Since I do have a few subs and I am not an emo, I do post things not related to my life and depression. I can write a blog about something random thing and when I reread it I think, yea! I think this is good maybe I'll get some decent feedback on the subject. Nothing, not one view other than my first auto one. A second if I find an error and edit it. I openly admit I am not a wonderful writer so I do not know what others see when they read my blogs. But 0 views? Is my writing that bad or am I just boring? Too busy for me, I get that. You take a depressed person and throw these thoughts and others in their head and things feel worse. Next day I write a blog for myself  about depression or some story that sadness has brought back. I just need to get it out. Wait what? Views and comments? Oh you care? I am important? =) Thank you for making my day a teeny bit better, but what about yesterday/two-three days ago? So, for some people, is writing a blog about depression the only way they can finally get the attention and compassion they need?

The point of the long blog? No it is not just me complaining about the feedback that I don't really care about. It is this. Do you have a xanga friend or sub that is depressed? You wish you could help? You can! (wow I am now an infomercial) Don't let them fall through the cracks of your friend list. Take a true interest in who they are and their non-depressed thoughts/blogs. I mean they are friends, right? If they are important show it whenever you can, not just when they are down and you think they really need it. Yes a smile and one compassionate sentence can save a life....but why let them get that low to begin with?? Letting them know they are important when they are having a good day could help prevent the bad days. The bad days that lead up to that one moment when they are lost in their heads, so very lost they cannot find the way out. When the light at the end of the tunnel leads underground and they have no bearings on what everyone is going to lose.

It doesn't seem like much huh? Less than five minutes of reading maybe once a day and a little thoughtful or insightful comment can really go a long way. Have nothing to say? Leave some eprops to at least say, hey I read, I was here. Know someone with an ED? Tell them the truth without preaching. "I like you for who you are. I know you don't believe me, but you are beautiful the way you are. I will tell you this every day until you believe it, and then some. " "You decide you need help I will research and support you any way I can." An ED is a mental illness that develops and cannot be helped without true help. Telling them they are wrong and not being healthy sure doesn't help. It is not always a choice.

There is not enough compassion in this world. Everyone is so selfish. Stop complaining about what you are stuck viewing and help these people who are calling out for help, that's what it is, even if they don't know it.

Sat night/Sun morning bakings:

Yellow cake for strawberry shortcake

Homemade brownies (from scratch) with raspberry jam melted and swirled throughout, topped with melted white chocolate chips. =) Alright well the white chocolate was supposed to be drizzled (when they were fresh from the oven) but I didnt start melting the chips early enough and instead of drizzling it clumped...so I just spread it. hehe
 
Nuts on the end just for mom, no one else really likes nuts. =)

And banana bread. =)

It was a bakin weekend. lol

Sun I never really went to sleep so I was as productive as I could be while exhausted. A good morning though, showered about 6am and went walking with mom about 8. I started my switching of the schedule. Stayed awake until 6pm when I crashed on the couch, only took a nap and went to bed at 1:30am. Up at 8am today. Yay! Hopefully I can keep it this way!! lol

I am working on another post, if I finish it there will be two posts today (whoa! hehe)...if not, then tomorrow. =)

Alrighty off to run errands. =D

Just a few people who inspire me, people I want to be like when I grow up....I thought this might make a good post. =)

Giada De Laurentiis - TV Shows Everyday Italian and Giada At Home, among many, on Food Network.
Maybe my Italian heritage influenced this one...? But she is great. Super sweet and down to earth, a great chef and wonderful mom. She has a new Target line out that I LOVE! Successful and movin on up. Inspiration worthy?? Yes. =) Oh and she is amazingly beautiful! But that is a given. lol

Joanne "Jo" Frost - Supernanny. This woman is awesome!! Have you seen her show? I'm sure most people have. She helps parents out with some of the worst children I have ever ever seen. I wonder why she has no children and family of her own? Maybe because she loves so many others, or doesn't want to come home to a crazy family/household after fixing everybody else all day? hehe Well what ever the circumstance I think she definitely deserves to be a mom if that's what she wanted. She would be the best mother ever. I also think she is beautiful, along with strong. A woman who takes charge and isn't afraid, and talk about patience!!! Again I will have to stamp her as inspiration worthy! =)

Tyra Banks - Yes people think she is some fake stuck up model. Maybe I just cant see through an "act". But this woman does not care what people think about her!! It is great, wonderful! She is crazy, outgoing, beautiful, caring, and ok sometimes just plain nuts. But she is successful, loving, she supports great causes, along with working to help women and girls love themselves for who they are, supporting the rights of gay/lesbian/bi/trans-gender individuals, and working to break down social barriers. Who could not be inspired by that? She has worked to follow all her dreams, including following her idol's (Oprah) footsteps. Her mother is her best friend. In a way I am a lot like her. Oh and yes, I am a fan of ANTM.

Last but never ever least, my Mom - She would kill me if she knew I posted this pic...driving to my b-day dinner 2 years ago, she saw my Disney ears in the car and put em on. I am a bit like her. =D This woman is amazing. Selfless, beautiful, loving, and the best mom in the world. Does everything she can to make everybody happy. I am teaching her how to do more stuff for herself. There for a while the one reason I am still alive. The glue of the family. She was the mother and the father. Only because my dad was too lazy to be a father. I cold talk about her goodness for ages. She deserves everything the world has to offer. The only reason I would really want to be rich is so that I can set her up so she does not have to worry or stress about anything ever again. She could work on the art she loves or just spend the rest of her life making up for all the times she never did anything for herself. Why do I want kids? Why do I want to be a stay-at-home mom who still finds a way to bring in money? Not just for the love of being a mother and having a family but because I want to be like her when I grow up.

These are just a few that have popped into my head today. There are tons more, I will make a list as I think about them and maybe do another post in a later date titled "People Who Inspire Me 2" . Maybe a regular thing? As there are many amazing people out there who deserve to be highlighted.

So, who inspires you?

Source 1 Giada
Source 2 Jo
Source 3 Tyra

Maybe there is a god?? We met in a parking lot it took 2min or less. I looked great and I was glad to see that even though he has to walk everywhere he still has a gut. Hehehe. I'm horrible I know. So as I drive out of the lot this song came on. It made everything just a little bit better. I love it, but it is only the 3rd time I've heard it. So God's work??

Dear Xxxxxxxx-

I would be happy to speak to you about options in the area. Please feel free to call me, and if I am unavailable at the time you call, please leave a message and I will get back to you between patients.

If you are at risk (suicidal), please call 911, go to the ER, or call the crisis line (800) xxx-xxxx.

Thank you.

A second response to my emails. This one made me cry. It feels like she read between the lines of my request, she saw what I did not say. Maybe she said it just to cover her ass? Maybe not, I do not know. If I am at risk...what do they classify as at risk? Ready to suicide? If I had already made the decision I can't imagine myself sending out the emails that I did. But I wonder what does going to the ER do when I have no money to pay for any treatment they might offer? The same with 911 I feel. Yes operator I think about killing myself but am not ready to commit, will you help me or am I not enough of an emergency? Oh and I have no moneys. Help costs money? Well then... my bad.

It seems as if I am mocking such a great response to my reaching out. I am not, call it my bad humor and a way of shielding myself from everything along with the apparent transparency of my email. Since I write this for no one but myself I will be honest with myself. I will write it down.

Yes, I think I am at risk. I have plans, two things from the store and I could execute. I know how I would do it, I've laid awake in bed so many nights that I thought it all out. No finding of the body, funeral expenses, nothing, easy peasy. If only I could pay off my credit card, that and hating to be selfish are the only things holding me back. I don't want to be selfish. I am just afraid I will sink so low one of these nights that I lose sight of everything I could consider good, I would slip out with no one noticing, drive to my fav place and be done. Letters to the important people apologizing for my lack of...everything. A letter to explain so much that I cannot put into a verbalized conversation. I'm sorry I am still letting you down. I am sorry I was not everything you dreamed. I am sorry all my attempts at help have failed. I am sorry I am plagued with this terrible chemical imbalance and depression that was passed from both sides. I am sorry my mind keeps getting crowded and lost then turns stupid on me. If I could clap my hands and fix it all I would be running around town in constant applause.

I'm sorry.

I will call her this week...

A quick post before my insomniac butt attempts bed?? Okay.

First off, I am off the pills. Haven't taken one in at least a week. We'll see if they were helping and if I can handle life without them...in time.

Second. Leaving my bedroom slider open for a week+ straight has caused a nice array of bugs in my room! EWW. I am bitten, itchy and have....fleas WTF?!?!?! Yes I found flea on me before hopping in the shower. Talk about scrubbing!! And yes, I DO shower daily!! This calls for a major bedroom overhaul this weekend. Yes. Oh and flea meds for the cats. Damn you country!! ....I itch.

Movie and dinner with friends tomorrow (today). YAY. Wait Jen why is that a half hearted smile on your face? Well group of six. M&J - Married, J&A - Dating, then B - "best" friend, big brother (who is much shorter lol) status, and me. I get to watch couples all night. Last time it was very overwhelming. *sigh* If you read my pulse M and B were the ambush culprits today (yesterday). B with the tackle and M with the jumping of the bed. Hehehe silly boys.

I was going to write a story that popped in my head while scrubbing, but after the "updates" I feel it would make for a incredibly and unnecessarily long blog, so another time.

Night....?

I used to wish. Never for anything crazy or impossible just simple things. Things like I wish my car would stop dying on me and be a little more safe, I wish we could find some more clients, I wish my mom had everything she needs, I wish I could make a difference somehow, I wish I could find direction, I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up, I wish Chris would learn not to fear change, and the one I wished the most, I wish Chris would ask me to marry him, like he says he will.

I wished on stars, I wished on my birthday candles, I wished in my dreams, and I wished on my little superstitious "find an eyelash, make a wish and blow it up to heaven". Yes I wished for money or a stress free life. Only in my mind when things were hard, but when it came down to "making the wish" it was never anything materialistic, just simple things that would make my life and the lives of the people I cared about happy. For me happiness is good love, family and friends. I always dreamt of a happy little life, my husband, kids and family. Living simply, fighting the bad times and enjoying the good times, enjoying each other.

For someone who finds happiness in the little things, not one of my little wishes have ever came true. I am not complaining, I guess it was never meant right? It just kills me that the materialistic selfish people are the ones whose wishes come true. The worst thing for me. I don't know what to wish for anymore. Every time lately, when I have found an eyelash I lift my finger to eye level prepared to wish and blow it away only to hear myself think I wish chris would...and I stop, he is gone he will not ask me to marry him. So automatic. It hurts. Then I kick myself for thinking that wishes come true. I flick the wish carrier into the garbage and walk away. Mind blank and hurt.

How can I have such a nice weekend and feel this way? Instead of sitting at the desk attempting to concentrate on my sudoku book I wish I could turn off the lights crawl under the desk with a blanket over my head while I cry. Suffer in silence, my way of life it seems. I looked up a few more dr.s, The problem is that I have to send out emails because I cannot call to ask if they know of any organization/person that works on a very discounted or pro bono rate. I am so desperate that I know I would be a crying blubbering idiot seconds after introducing myself. I worked with dr.s I know they hardly have time for emails so who knows when I will get a reply. Even going in there I know it would be the same as a phone call. I want to just go sit in their office and beg for help, please help I would beg as tears stream down my face. I just want to be ok, I want be happy, I cannot go on like this. I don't want to die but I can't afford to pay. Please, please help me before I get so lost in these feelings I never come back out. Please I cannot do it alone anymore, I would beg.