It is so…weird…for me to be treated so well. I think I have said that before, maybe not here. It just feels like well, I’m the other woman, there to be the whore and nothing else right? Being treated so well makes me feel like something is coming, like something will go wrong or something. Haha. I’m so negative. Candles, back rubs, at one point I felt an intimacy that was not there the first trip, other little things. We did a movie and a long lunch both days I was there, good conversation and getting to know each other better than we already do. A relationship based on pleasure, it doesn’t seem right to have this friendship going too. Mmm…Who knows that i am saying or thinking. I know I am not “over analyzing” it or making something out of nothing as most women do. I know and understand that I am just his “whore” there to fulfill the needs that his fiance it not fulfilling. That is my place. So how can I explain to myself all the extras. What are we dating too?

*confused*

Oh god I am so stupid. So very very stupid.

Headed to La again this weekend. A trip a week? Not safe for my heart. He treated me so well, candles, bubble bath, friendship, respect, understanding, comfort.

Starting an affair with someone you were half in love with then being treated wonderfully? Not smart. I’ve lost control of my emotions. First time for everything I guess. I fell.

Yeah, I think I love him. He makes me so happy, I came home from La in the best of moods last week. I felt amazing, I haven’t felt this good or happy in years.

I told my girlfriends that the hurt I know will come later will be worth it because of how incredibly happy I am now. Still I will do my best to keep from being hurt too badly.

The hard part? I want him to love me. I don’t want him to leave her, but I think I just want him to feel something more than what we’ve been feeling. Maybe I just need to be loved? Maybe him loving me will make me feel special? Like I am good enough. All I know is I would love to look back and say yeah he loved me.

Stupid stupid stupid, naive, stupid girl. I know better, really I do.

Here I am being a copy cat. Here is a list of facts, weird and random things about me. You many know some of it, you may not. Just thought it would be fun, plus I’m such an open book so I will add, everybody can ask me one question after reading this and no matter the question I will answer honestly. =) Promise.

Love me for who I am, or leave me. =D

1. As a blonde, I feel prettier

2. One of my pinky fingers is 1/8 inch shorter than the other due to an accident.

3. I have two brothers, two sisters and a half sister

4. I used to be afraid of making phone calls and leaving voicemails…(other than to my friends that is)

5. Sometimes I still am….

6. I am a great liar but think honesty makes life easier

7. I hate my body

8. My legs grew funny in the womb as a result I am knock-kneed. If I could have it fixed I would pay good money.

9. There are a few plastic surgeries I want. A nose job (i hate my nose). A surgery to fix my stumpy pinky finger.

10. I have only had 2 official relationships, one was 1 month, the other, 5 years 2 months

11. I lost my virginity to a rapist

12. I’ve had glasses since I was 18 months old

13. I am currently having an affair with an engaged man who is 16 years older than me

14. I cheated on my first boyfriend by kissing someone else. I abruptly ended the relationship and vowed to never cheat again.

15. I have a pipe and smoke weed weekly, though I am actively working on not smoking as much

16. I think I am bisexual but have only kissed another girl

17. I was on the edge of alcoholism by 19 so i stopped partying until i learned control

18. I spent 7+ months on a 100 calorie a day diet. Would have been full blown anorexic if my ex would not have caught me and threatened me into eating daily

19. I have a very very, very hard time believing in religion

20. I have fallen in love twice and fallen half in love a few times.

21. I still struggle with loosing weight and actually eating during the weight-loss process

22. I have a half empty bottle of brandy hidden in my nightstand but haven’t touched it in 2 months

23. I co-owned a business by the age of 22

24. My favorite animal is the Killer Whale. Big cats are second

25. I worked in the porn industry

26. I can easily keep sex from becoming emotional, except one circumstance

27. I contemplated selling myself because I was desperate for money. A job offer came before I could officially decide.

28. What I really want to be when I grow up, even though I know it is unrealistic in these times, is a soccer mom

29. I am a shoe-a-holic

30. I hate toothpaste

31. I check xanga obsessively after i post hoping for comments, even though I often write for my own sanity and know comments aren’t gonna come. lol

32. I dont care what people think about me but like to know their opinions

33. LA feels more like a home to me than the town I grew up in.

34. I cannot sleep in a room with still air. I need to have a fan blowing.

35. My favorite color is pink

36. I hate my father and had a bet with my ex as to how long he is going to live

37. I am a hopeless romantic, loving caring person and heartless bitch all in one

38. I do not sit down to put my socks and shoes on, i just stand and balance on one foot lol

39. At least one of the men I was/am half in love with is here on xanga

40. My biggest pet peeve is whistling

Alright, hope you “enjoyed” now, ask away! =D

Baby I’m a firework

Come on I’ll show you what I’m worth

I’ll make you go aww aww aww

As I shoot across the sky

 

Baby I’m a firework

Come on I’ll let my colors burst

I’ll make you go aww aww aww

I’ll leave you all in awe awe awe…

 

Katy Perry’s “Firework” in my theme song

I’m brighter than the moon and nobody can touch me. =D

Im scared, nervous, and excited. Mostly scared. My friends said we wont tell you i told you so, but we will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on and we will love you no matter what. I am happy i have them, i have i feeling i will need them one day. Im such a stupid person…In other “news” the other night my baby(who isn’t really MY baby) came to me and sweetly said “pick me up” so of course i did. He then proceeded to put his hand on my belly and said “baby in there!”. I guess he has learned that babies grow there, still, scared the shit outta me. Felt like a premonition or something. That’s all I need right? Lol. Kill me. Haha

When you need to talk about something, but can’t really talk to people about it, xanga is quite helpful…there is many times in a day when I wanna say, “mom im about to start an affair with *******” it’s like I want advice on a decision I’ve already made. Yet I don’t want my family to know, I don’t want the looks. Truths, expectations and rules have been talked about. We, both feel like horrible people, yet neither one of us can seem to stop our actions. Are we heartless people, these actions are concience and planned decisions, I guess you could say yes, but knowing us both I also say no. Maybe I am just the horrible person, what is my reasoning other than a selfish one?

Ladys night = 3 adios motherfuckers (8.5 shots all together) 1 shot patron (tequila) 1 cosmo and 1 strawberry long island…So roughly 17.5 shots in 3.5 hours? A fun night…and still no hangover, I am a little shocked…

After a year of feeling hurt, or nothing, I wonder if I am doing this in an effort to just feel something. How vain am I? It feels so good to have someone I thought I was never good enough for to be pursuing me. Yes, I have an emotional “thing” for him, but I do not want a relationship with him I don’t at all want him to leave his baby mama. I just want us to give each other what we both need. I am so tired of being nice and getting screwed over. I want to be able to say wow life sucks but I sure did deserve that. Yes, i am being stupid and reckless, but I just get this feeling that it is something I am supposed to do. So, I’ll see what happens…

Yes I will be revealing some sexual facts here so it you don’t want to know you can stop reading now… What constitutes cheating? Sexting? Phone sex? In his words…”helping him cum”. Is that cheating? There is no emotional attachment, just attraction and sex. I am still having issues with the morality of my actions yet barreling forward like a moron. Losing a little bit of respect for myself as I go along. I’ve been the other woman before and always promised myself I would never be again…he is just so damn good with words I find myself going along with his suggestions. Is this an affair? I have been invited to visit in LA, even if it is just for dinner and some time just hanging out. I have also been invited on a 3 day trip to Chicago(which I’m scared I’ll accept)…and got confirmation that this was not a “just this weekend” sort of thing. Yet we can go from “sex” and gotta wash up…to a 15+ minute phone convo about the kids, woman, and extended family. The “friendship” is just as it was, just some new stuff mixed in. Men never cease to amaze me. I know I am probably not the first affair, i believe the wife knows or has an idea… he is at least 15 years older than me and will never change. Why not enjoy it while it is available…? Right? Oh, did I mention that this “wife” is best friends with my exs new gf and that she was very much a part of the new girl pushing her way in between the ex an me at our weak moment? See why I don’t feel too too horrible? (OMG someone shoot me I’ve turned into a heartless bitch) My little sister said im the wife’s karma…i don’t know about that but it makes me feel better…I wish someone could slap some sense into me but who knows if I’m smart enough to listen.

I do, really stupid fucking things…i need to be smacked or something…
You feel good because he is attracted to you (first to express it after being alone for so long), you were always very attracted to him…Ok almost half in love with for years…
He was a friend, a business partner. He is a wonderful guy. He has a fiancé/wife (unknown exactly) who I know and like, and 2 kids.
“I miss working with you and you being around”
He started it, he is ultimately responsible….I try to convince myself with lies
Now, I feel like a bit of a whore and we weren’t even in the same state.
What does he think if me now, how will the friendship continue from here on out?
I am a horrible, terrible person…I deserve nothing good
The worst part? If he said he was in town next week and wanted to meet up, I’d probably go…
Yup, please feel free to shoot me now