I keep having these dreams. One of those dreams where you don't really see the faces but you know who they are. You wake up and think "Wow, I just had a dream about so and so." My first love. The only one I let touch me after being raped. We didn't have sex, he never pushed it, at all. I trusted him. He did not have a wonderful background but he wanted so much of the same things I did. He was doing everything he could to get away from the bad in his upbringing. He was a wonderful guy. He graduated a semester early and I only saw him a few times after he left school. The last time, he asked me to come with him to Idaho. I said yes, I needed to finish the last month of school and I would go. He was going to come back for me, but he never did. I found him on xanga a few years later and we started talking. He had just got back into town so we got together. He was single, I was not. I was just getting ready to move to La with Chris. He was so sad when he found out. I could see it in his face. He explained that on the way to Idaho he got in a car accident and his phone broke. He had no way of getting a hold of me and it was a very long time before he came back to Cali. He wasn't lying, he knew I needed closure, and he had no reason to lie. My heart kept pulling me towards him but I couldn't cheat and he was in the middle of a messy custody battle. I bid him good bye I watched him walk away from the car with a heavy heart, despite the missing piece. Not long after we met he met someone else and got married. She had two kids, he got custody of his little girl, and together they had a son. He got the big family he always wanted. It breaks my heart to think that I might have made the wrong choice, but you can never be certain can you? He has been the one in my dreams lately. My heart gets heavy again when I think about it. I have dreamed about him over the years and it always make me wonder what if, and why. Why is he in my dreams every night. Does he ever think about me? In the past it was a dream or two, usually sexual (because a busy schedule and lack of sex). Now it is nightly and they are not at all sexual. It is us, trying to build a relationship through hard times, or us finally together and beyond happy, living our lives together. I still love him, I always will. So I wonder, is he trying to tell me that I will find somebody for me soon? Or, is it just my sub-conscience making wishes out of my past?

I am quite behind today, waiting til the very very end of the day to post a pic. So, since I have been using my laptop so much lately, here is a simple little pic. I threw some quick filters on and upped to contrast to make it more pink. hehe. I didn't like the lighting in my room so I figured why not mess with the pic some?

Here is C_l_o_g and Shining_Garnet's pics. =)

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I'll try to not be so lazy tomorrow. Hehe

I warm bright sunny day. I thought, today's pic, it needs to be looking up into the sky, proud and hopeful. No lowered head today, I don't want to look at my feet as I walk anymore. So I won't. =)

Don't forget to visit C_l_o_g and Shining_Garnet! =)

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Heading home, camera in the passengers seat, nothing in my whole drive around town caught my eye. I turn on the dirt road, a quarter mile away and I stop. The cemetery. Years ago there was a flood here in town. The only Reference I could find said it was possibly sometime in 1955. The cemetery was washed away. Now the head stones are just lined up haphazardly, there are big crypts where unidentified bodies were stored. I know this is why there are spirits in and around my house. All those graves, disturbed and never really put right.

This was a big rectangle patch of weeds and one lone headstone. After I clicked the frame, a wild rabbit came shooting out of the high grass. Sure did scare me! lol. It was slightly windy so as I walked by this area the grass rustled lightly, saying...take a picture of me...it was nice and peaceful. =)

Oh, FYI, that grave stone is marked 1882. Born 1881. There are many very young children here, it is quite sad.

Check out C_l_o_g and Shining_Garnet's pics too. =)

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Music. A regular topic for me I think. With my current Eminem re-obsession(as in I've loved him for years but currently have his new cd on repeat) I have been missing out on my other fav music. I though I should give someone else some attention. So my story for the lyrics below. This song has really helped me. Moving back home has been so hard for me. While I do not like it, I know it has been the best place for me. A safe haven to repair my broken heart and broken life. A place to find myself again, to live for me. Around June(I think) this song was released and immediately hit my heart. It just seemed to fit in many ways, though the "story" is a bit different than mine. It made me feel better about being where I am. It gave me a bit of a reassurance. I can't even correctly put into words how it made me feel. I wanted the cd for so long but being unemployed I could not afford it. A wonderful friend of mine send me a gift card for my birthday. I was able to finally pick up the cd. It is a very good one too. =) So to You, a big, big thank you so very much. Music is so important to me and owning this cd with the song that has helped me is really important to me. <3

Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

There is a big field in front of my house growing black-eyed peas. All along the edge there are these big huge weeds. Up close I thought they were kinda pretty.

Want more pics? Check out these peeps too! =D

C_l_o_g

Shining_Garnet

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Well I finally got my good camera charged so I could play along. =) So a month of random pics for me! =D First, nothing too exciting and just a little simple...

My Purse! Man I'm such a girl...lol =) I love it! Need to stop using it so much because I don't want it to get hurt. It's one of them "goes with my entire wardrobe" kinda items. hehe I got it last year when I was still in LA. It was my "payment" for doing the ex's taxes. Tax prep for designer purses? I won't complain. lol

Check out the others!

C_l_o_g started the "Pic A Day" idea and Shining_Garnet got me started. =)

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Haven't been online in what seems like forever!!! lol So my time in a nut shell...

Friday - CRAZY DAY! Fast and furious errand running and packing...left town around 9pm and arrived and at our destination (ie my Aunts house) around 3am. I did all the driving btw...bed around 4:15am-ish

Saturday - Got up early and more furiousness, eating, 10 people fighting for the showers and hot water, dress and off in a caravan of cars to my Cousin's wedding. It was a very beautiful ceremony and location! It was really great to catch up with all my cousins. We ate and had some great fun dancing like idiots...for most it was more like dancing like drunken/hammered idiots. lol. The wedding ended abruptly at 10 pm so me and my sister and some cousins I hadn't seen in a long time headed to a bar. More great fun, live band, beers and pool = fun! Fell asleep around 1:30 to the sounds of my drunk cousins attempting to recreate a foo fighters song on the guitar. haha

Sunday - More quality time with the family as more cousins from the hotels showed up to eat brunch and chat. Of course our hellos are as fast as our goodbyes. It seems like 10 min after eating everyone has to run and there is a receiving line of goodbyes and hugs. Spent the rest of the afternoon swimming and playing in the pool with the siblings. No dinner for me as everything was either filled with caramel color or was pork so I had bread and fruit. Been eating that all weekend. So tired.....of fruit.....and carbs.....

Today - Up early again to pack the car...early like in 7am! Ugh!! I drove two hours south so we're at my brother's house now. We just got back from a walk to pink berry (YUMMY!!) a bit ago, and now we're preparing dinner, one I can actually eat!! They made a special trip to the store to get food that were not filled with things I am "allergic" to. I get to drive home later then up all night to finish work. It's not uploaded right yet so I can't do it now. =( Yay. lol. All in all it has been a very good trip and I enjoyed seeing my family for the second time this year! =)

See ya later alligators!! =D

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