I have this lump in my throat of worry and stress that I just can’t swallow, I have breaks in my heart of hurt and pain that I just can’t heal, I have this look in my eyes of sorrow and need that I just can’t clear. I have tears on my cheek because I just can’t. Can’t solve any of it.

I have words in my head I need to get out, so many words that could fill so many pointless posts I just cannot bear to write.

I could vent about my day and how horrible it was, I could stress in writing about my worries, or I could cry on the xanga shoulder about the depression that consumes me.

Instead I will continue to sit in the dark, the threat of tears lingering behind every thought and mindlessly watch tv like a zombie.

There is a piece of my heart that could belong to you. It is locked in a box, hidden by fear and consumed by feelings of inadequacy. I don’t think you realize that it is there, I know it will go to waste but it is there nonetheless, sitting, wondering, and possibly even waiting.

“but her heart has been shattered, the pieces lay inside, in fragments much too tiny, to recognize”

I’m not a liar,
You said
I see us growing old
Together
I love you

I didn’t mean it
I was afraid
I love you

I am ready to propose
Lets prepare for a baby
I love you

I don’t know what I want
I just need some time
I love you

He used my phone
She’s just a friend
I love you

I’m not a liar,
You said
You lied,

I loved you

I think I shall be a cheater and make a pic post and timestamp it for yesterday. Hehe. Not much sleep and up really early yesterday, ran errands then spent the rest of the day moving my sister into her new apartment. Got back to town late late, went grocery shopping then bathed the baby(instead of sending him home dirty). A full day! I get heat stroke really easily and we worked in 100+ degree weather, so I was exhausted. I slept 12 hours last night and feel a bit refreshed. =) Today is still a lazy day though. hehe I am working on catching up on posts I missed and trying to comment it all. I did go out and take pics though. No words for my interpretation of the pic or what I was feeling when I took it. I will let it speak for itself and see what it says.

Check out C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet, and lil_mamma2499 too. =)

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My cousin used to rent one of our houses and when he moved out he gave this to my mom. I believe he got it while stationed in Japan. I’ve always liked it. It reminds me of the book Memoirs of a Geisha as this is what I often imagined they looked like. I really love that book. =) I made the background black and white so that she stands out. hehe

Go peek at C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet and lil_mama2499‘s pictures too.

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I am not in the best of moods today. =( Don’t feel so hot, my arm is really bugging me (the sting site) as it is still really really swollen and is starting to frustrate me. I am tired. Plus, I went to pick my sister up from school, got there 10 min early, they got out 10 min later than she said, then my mom picked her up from a different parking lot. No one told me!! I even changed my plans to accommodate picking her up, and told her last night I was going to get her. Grrr! Bad day! So every pic I tried to take today did not come out good enough with the standards I try to set for myself. I gave up and chose a picture I took a few days ago. I am cheating. =( I feel like I have been a bit lazy, on and off, with the foto takin. Gotta get my butt out there! 

So…bad mood you cannot hold me back, I will take over you and there is nothing you can do about it. Ha!  hehe

Don’t forget to stop by C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet and lil_mama2499!

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The First Day of School: Kids dread it, Parents love it =) Hehe

My little brother and sister started school today. I can’t believe she is a junior and he is a sophomore! I feel old. LOL

Check out C_l_o_g, Shining_Garnet, and lil-mama2499 for daily pics too! =)

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Last night/this morning there was a big fire on a hill right by my house. Without a tripod or a better lens this was the best pic I could take. =’(

I really wanted to jump in my car and go out there as it is a place I go exploring often. I decided against it as I didn’t want to get in the firefighter’s way.

Then today, on my way to take photos of and around this place I got stung by a bee, for the first time in 25 years. =’( I was quite tramatized! lol. I ran to the car and didn’t get the pictures I wanted so this will be my pic for the day because it is the only pic I got. LOL

Check out C_l_o_g and Shining_Garnet too.

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I am so frustrated. Lets start with the back story. That job I was offered…I did not take it. There were things omitted in the interview that I found out, and in the end, taking the job would have put me in bad and unsafe conditions, along with no guarantee to good pay. Actually, many people say it is more like you paying the company to work. Not a good situation. I was pretty upset about the outcome but my family(and a good friend) backed up and agreed with my decision. Does not mean I wasn’t crushed about the thought of going back out into the unemployed market searching for jobs. I am quite depressed about it actually.

How many times can you be you be turned down before it starts to get to you? “You do not have the requirements we are looking for”, “We’re going to bench you, we are looking for the perfect person to fit the job”, “We cannot offer you the job at this time”, “We will keep your application on file”. What happened to taking a chance? It is like I want to start begging, please, I know there are more “qualified” people, but I am smart, and I can do the job! I am willing, eager, and I want the job, I am not just applying here because I have to. =(

It really makes me feel like nobody wants me. It is so discouraging. I have never taken part in a “group” interview. Yes there was only two of us, but it threw me off. The first question I don’t feel like I answered well, I did not explain myself well, but I knew I could make it up. I had some really good answers but I could tell, after the first answer I gave the woman wrote me off. When the time came for my single interview the interviewer acted like I was wasting her time. It was terrible, I still tried my best, but with the bad feelings swirling around the room I had no chance. If and I mean IF I get offered a job it will be because she passed my file off to another manager. If she doesn’t just toss it in the shredder that is.

I hate that people do not see me for who I really am. I hate that my life is on hold until someone takes a chance on me. How come the things I really want in life depend on others?? I can do 100% on my side and still I have to wait for someone else to make the final decision. Grrr!

I am blerg and frustrated and…and…*sigh*

There is this big bush in the backyard that has never flowered, that anybody can remember. Well this year it not only flowered, but on one side there are two different colors of blossoms. We are quite confused by it. lol

I thought the colors came out nicely. No editing done, original pic! =)

Check out C_l_o_g and Shining_Garnet for daily pic too.

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There are many different careers that I am interested in. I have always wanted to own my own business. I did co-own one with my ex, it was Post-Production business specializing in DVD and Blu-ray authoring. ie: I created the menus and did quality control and my ex programed the discs so they played in the dvd/blu-ray players. We did this for about 3 years although we only had the business name for 1-2 years. There was a lot on learning involved and I got to do all the paperwork and finances. The business is still going even though we split up.

If money was no issues for me I would like to own another business(or a few) for sure. I would of course hire a full time accountant because that was one thing I hated, all the paperwork. lol My mother and I have had ideas about a bakery/cafe that is not like any others in this area. I would share my ideas but I don’t want them stolen. hehe. It would be great fun. I would create the menu(I would take suggestions though) and do most of the baking, I would put my mother as part owner or a silent investor so that it is a family place. I know most new bakeries don’t last very long, but, money is not an issue so to me, it would be worth the chance.

My first job was at a hair salon. I was the receptionist and most of the time was acting manager. I loved the job and I learned a lot about the industry when working there even though I did not go to beauty school. I feel like I have enough knowledge to successfully run a fresh and funky salon. I would design it to the area so as not to offend the locals. lol. So for this area, fresh and funky while still staying a bit conservative so that I attract a wide variety or customers. I would rent out chairs and have employees so that the needs of each stylist are met. Here I would be the manager/receptionist because I feel it is good for owners to keep a hand in the business in some way.

Lastly a business relying on mostly just me. If I ever get a degree in interior design I would like to have my own little company. Just myself, an assistant and a carpenter who is hired or I would have a contract with a local company. My own little design team working on houses and offices. I would love it and it would be so much fun. Plus a woman’s dream, go out shopping and get paid to spend other people’s money. lol. I would love to bargain shop and find great thing at swap meets and antique stores that I could re-purpose. =) A beautifulhouse on a budget is always possible!

If I were lucky I would do each of these, get one up and running and move to the next. I would manage my time so that I could work in all three. The third would of course take most of my time but I would still try to work in the others when I could. I think each one of these business would be a fun and exciting endeavor. As you can tell, all my business are based on creativity. I am one of those people that likes to and needs to create. =)

So what is your opinion? What would your choice be?

“If money was no object and you and/or your spouse were able to start your/their own business, what would it be and why?”

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